Split Personality

I crush a lot. I don't crush everyday. I'm not the type of girl who likes to sit on a bench and look at a bunch of man candy for fun. But when I meet someone who I'm attracted to or who I connect in a certain way with...I get hard crushes. By hard I mean I can feel my body get heavy and fluttery. And my head starts to swim. I get giggly, girly, and I often have...thoughts...fantasies.

My husband knows that I crush and thinks it's funny. He also thinks he knows which guys I'll pick. And sometimes he's right - though lately he's been WAY off the mark.

Of course I crush over him too. Even with this whole morning drama we're having I still wake up and look at him and sigh. I like him. I miss him during the day. When I see something I like I want to share it with him. When something happens or I start pondering things - I want to talk to him about it. I'm in love with him obviously. And he makes me feel giddy.

Despite all that...I had a date with a crush the other night. (A week or so ago.) It was online. Honestly it was just a chat with a person who I have spoken with a few times. He's funny and our conversation has a good rythmn. It's fun. But the other night we had one of those 20-question nights. I have a lot of those with random people. For some reason people like to tell me things about themselves. Stories, tidbits, horrors. I walk down the street and strangers will have personal, private conversations with me. I don't know why they choose to tell me the in's and out's of their life...but I smile, nod, and try to forget it. I know I should feel honored and special that people trust me so much (and I do, especially when it's a friend or an aquiantance that I really like and admire) but usually it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Not this guy though. We had a silly conversation about our favorite cereal and what kind of food we like. The funny quirks and hobbies we like. People who we knew before. It was one of those flowing, fun conversations where any comments could bring on a story about something completely different and both of us felt intrigued and connected. It was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed it. And at the end he said "This is weird, I feel like I've been on a date."

The thing was, so did I. I was filled with that excited, elated, joyful feeling that comes from a good date. And it wasn't just hanging out with a friend, it felt like a date. Aided by the fact that we flirted a lot. I can flirt here and there when I try but with him flirting is easy and smooth and unembarassing and when he flirts back I feel flushed and complimented, not uncomforable and awkward which is how flirting normally makes me feel.

So were we on a date? I think so. And is this bad? Maybe and maybe not.

Flirting is pretty harmless. Yes it can lead to things but it doesn't have too. My husband flirts with other girls, I flirt with other boys. I flirt with him too. And he knows that I crush. And that's it's fleeting and harmless.

But what if you desire what you flirt with? I've heard people say cheating is just thinking about another person. I don't think I believe that. If it were true than people who watch movies for the hotties are cheating. Because let's face it when you see Angelina Jolie on stage you know you're wondering what it'd be like to kiss her, taste those lips, smell that hair. Come on...that's one of her charms.

But what if it's just a normal person, and you just flirt and talk, and at the end you think "If I were a different person in a different situation...I could have that, have him." I like being Katy, I LOVE being married, and I ADORE being married to my husband. I wouldn't want it any other way. But at the same time sometimes I wish I had choosen that other path: The one where I had gone to college full-time at age 18 and had finished my degree last year or this. The one where I had moved to New York and stayed there. Did theatre all the time. Had a job in New York and an apartment. Went on casual dates all through school. Slept with other men. Had my requisite Lesbian College Dorm experience. Gone to a real Spring Break where I got really drunk and flashed my boobs to the "Girls Gone Wild" guys. What if I had done the things I had planned before. If I had then maybe I could flirt with this guy and have it be something more.

The thing with it is, he brings out a side of me that didn't used to exsist. And now it not only exsists...it thrives. I don't feel as shy as I am with other people. I feel like I could be a very different Katy and when I talk to him I feel like I'm a different girl.

But the girl I am now...this Katy belongs to Craig. This Katy is supposed to be here. This Katy wants to be here. This Katy doesn't want to be anyone but who she is. It's just that now I realize there maybe other Katy's out there that just didn't develop because I chose the "Get married to a Sailor at a young age" path rather than the "Become a doctor" path or the "Get pregnant at 16" path. And maybe those Katy's are always here. They're just hiding. And they can't ever really develop...but is it bad to pretend to be one even if it's in my dreams? Is it a betrayal to let a second dimension Katy lead the way for awhile? Is it okay to be the Katy I am with 20-questions guy and just let a little of her seep into the Katy I am with Craig? Is it okay to explore these other people? Am I just working towards being whole or am I dividing myself?

And how do I introduce the Girls-Gone-Wild-Katy to my husband?

Bet that would get him to come to bed.