Questions

(I didn't try to give the below post any semblance of order or sense. I wrote it more so I could write out what I was thinking than to make a point or share a story. Imagine a great big white rubber room and put this post in it.)


I want to know two things:
1) Why am I such a pushover?
2) What the heck happened to the man I married?

Yesterday I was chatting with the new admin on my floor. She was telling me about her 15 year old son and his girlfriend. Apparently she is quite the well-manner young lady and keeps that boy in line. When he forgets to say "Yes Ma'am" to his mother she will fuss at him till he does and then tell him to apologize. Good for her. I have a feeling 15 year old boys need that.

However, I rarely do that. Even though I want to. The other night at DuClaws my husband was at his most uncharming drunken point when he made a snide remark to the harried (and very polite and kind) waiter who had come to take our order. It did take a little longer than it should have, but we were in a busy bar so it's to be understood. When my husband made his little underhanded remark I wanted to smack him. It was such a stupid, childish, ass-holish thing for him to do. I wanted to tell him to cut out his stupid snobby attitude and apologize. I wanted to at least say "knock it off." Instead the smack turned to a quick reminding squeeze on his thigh and I apologized to waiter and slipped him a nice tip, while my husband grinned and continued to act the rooster.

I'm more mad at myself than anyone else. I allowed my husband to ruin the night. I allowed my husband to ruin the morning. I generally just stand on the side and let him get away with behaviors he shouldn't be doing anymore as an adult and then I'll say sorry for him. Then I'll apologize to my husband for saying sorry for him. Even when I'm trying to take care of him, if I ask if he's hungry or if he needs something and he snaps me away I'll apologize for...for...well for being nice.

Why can't I just get really sarcastic and say what I mean. "Sorry for caring about you...I'll stop being in love now."

To the second question. When did my husband turn into this person? When we first started dating he was as meticulous about time as I am. If you're early you're on time, if you're on time you're late, and if you're late you're a horrible person. Never, ever would he be late for something. Now he doesn't even bother to try and get places early. He procrastinates till the end of days. It drives me nuts.

Likewise when we first starting our courtship he made perfectly clear that he would NOT date a smoker and if I ever started he'd go ahead and leave me. I was of the same mind, smoking is not that attractive and the second hand smoke makes me very ill. However, my husband is now a smoker. And instead of making his life a living hell for it I let him. I'll stand outside with him, because he asks me too, and wait for him to finish his cigarette. I was helping him try and quit, we had the patches, I set them out for him every morning and put it on him. I carry gum with me all the time. I try and keep him active when we're out. He was doing okay for awhile, but after three tries he's back smoking regularly. There had been a rule before that he was NOT to smoke in the car (he made that rule himself) and now he smokes in the car all the time.

And I let him.

It's not that I don't tell him that I don't like these behaviors, it's just that I don't want to say it so much that he starts snapping at me that I don't like him anymore.

The most annoying part of this though is the fact that it's all a double standard. If I ever started smoking, or slipped up and made a snarky comment; If I ever snap at him or decide to sleep in just a little longer, heck if I let my shoulders slouch a little - he is all over me like a pitbull. It is completely unacceptable for me to be less than perfect, but he's allowed to because "He's an adult and can make his own decisions and if he wants to do something he's allowed to."

I think my need for space and time to myself is a reaction to the changes both my husband and I have been going through individually. And I think these changes started once my husband got home from Iraq. I once brought this idea up with Craig, since his smoking started on the ship and his behavior was so vastly different when he came home the last time. He got angry that I was trying to analyze him. I let it be. I think maybe both of us might be in denial that something is different. I used to think it was because we were moving so much, his job was changing, and he had such crazy and incompetent leadership. Of course our life was hell. But now I think it's because he thinks differently than he used to about things. He's becoming overly dominant yet clingy and I'm becoming overly submissive yet detached.

I guess it's because he was used to being in charge and having a definite mission that he's suddenly become the bull of the house. And I suppose he's more clingy to me now because we were apart for so long.

For my part I'm more submissive because I want to be a good wife and take care of him since I wasn't able to for so long. And probably because he needs some kind of control somewhere in his life and I want to give that to him. But I'm messing it up. Even if I choose to be the second in a partnership, there should be a sense of...well...choice. Or power. I shouldn't feel like I've failed all the time. And I know that I'm detached and less clingy (though I suppose you can't tell from my blog, since all I talk about is him) because he was gone for so long and so many times I would get comfortable with him around and then he'd have to leave.

I guess I'm the guy with the fear of commitment and he's the girl with the fear of abandonment. Only our personalities don't match it.

I worry that I'm the only person in the marriage that is scared about these shifts. Change is normal right? I should embrace it like Craig does. But it frightens me...there is another piece of the puzzle that I can't quite grasp, but it's essential to the way our dynamic is changing. And I wish I knew what it was. It's like the word that's on the tip of the tongue but you can't figure it out. It's just there, lurking, and it hasn't shown itself yet.

I can only hope that when it does it will help mesh our new roles rather than dividing them.