She's that kind of girl...

I've mentioned before how when I learn new words or phrases I will hear them used in excess shortly afterward. Well in addition to my growing vocabulary I seem to fall into similar patterns of topics with people, through very little prompting from myself. I'm not sure if this phenomenon is normal and simply part of good 'ole Murphy's Law or if it's unique to me. In either case it's happening right now...and when it rains it pours.

My blog's description is "a lost member of the Y generation" for good reason. I am rather lost. It might be the random and frequent moving, the crazy mix of military and college life, the fact that I spent 12 years of my life preparing and planning on a completely different kind of life which I walked away from. It might just be that I'm crazy and wishy-washy. In either case I find myself often confused by my own changing views and convictions and the normal status quo surrounding me.

Yeah I know...join the club...everyone my age feels this way. And that's the problem, the very people who can relate at this moment are going through the same thing, which renders them useless in helping me figure it out and vice versa.

I'm not entirely worried about this, though I have my moments of panic. I bring it on myself though, I'll let my whole lack of definition sit for awhile then think, hey, I should ask some questions, which lead to more questions, then more, then unanswerable ponders, then I'm starring at the stars screaming "Argh! It's too big - get me out of here." Then the cycle starts again and I blissfully run around not being introspective or philosophical. Tra-la-la.

But even when I am not attempting to define myself or my place in the world other people are. I've have a few people tell me I'm the kind of person who would "cut off my nose to spite my face" in reference to how undefinable I am. I'm too eclectic which I think makes people even more determined to define me.

This week in particular people have been making large general comments on who I am, and I'm even more confused by it. They've hinted through conversations with me and with others that:

I'm full of "piss and vinegar"
I'm too graceful and beautiful to be attainable.
I'm too plain to have a league.
I'm very organized.
I'm a good negotiator.
I'm far too shy.
I'm the "marrying kind"
I'm the girl next door.
I'm exotic.
I'm straightforward.
I'm coy.
I'm a tease.
I'm an openbook.
I'm very "together"
I seem sad.
I'm funny.
I'm too reserved.
I'm a brat.

So what the heck am I?

Of course these things could just be passing comments about how I am behaving in a certain situation or a particular moment. At any given time any person could be any one or two of these things. But people have been using these very definitive statements to define me as a whole. It's much like saying someone is a bitch. They're a bitch no matter how unbitchy they may be acting on Easter day.

Thankfully no one has said I'm a bitch to my face or behind my back, that I know of, yet.

I think perhaps I'm not so much confused by how people are defining me but more that I want to live up to their expectations when they do define me. It's that whole "tell someone they are something enough and they'll be it" thing. Tell a kid their bad at math and they will be bad at math, tell me I'm a take charge kind of gal, and I'll try and take charge. And of course that's a contradiction right there.

An independent, take-charge person in control of all the situations would not hop too when told what they should be. They'd tell people what they are...they wouldn't let others do it for them. Someone says "jump" and they say "do it yourself."

Someone tells me "jump" - I say...usually nothing...I just jump.

And I think that makes me happy. I know doing things for other people makes me happy. I know that I get a great satisfaction from my job when I can take the burden from my boss and my fellow admins and make their job easier. I enjoy completing tasks - it makes me feel accomplished and content. Even though I complain about the ironing and the cooking and the cleaning and all the other chores I do for my husband - it makes me feel warm knowing that he looks good and sharp in his pressed utilities. I positively glow when he says "thank you" after I've cooked for him or run a bunch of silly errands. I feel more proud of the fact that my husband and my bosses don't have to worry about things because I take care of them without being asked or told. I actually prefer it that way...just slip in finish this report here, send out this notice there, pay a bill, handle the household chores before Craig notices they need to be done. I like it that way.

It makes me feel like a brownie. When I was a little girl all I wanted was to be a girl scout...more importantly a brownie girl scout. It took forever for me to be old enough - and when we were initiated I was fascinated with the brownie story. The two little kids who would sneak into their grandmothers house at night to clean and cook. I loved that story. I was disappointed when I turned Junior, then Cadette and Senior, to find out they don't have stories like that. I guess we're too old...but I still like it.

I suppose I'm contradicting myself again. I started saying I don't know how to define myself, but I do. I define myself through others...and I don't think you're supposed to do that. In fact I'm pretty sure (because I did pay attention in school and at my Girl Scout meetings) that as modern day women our "selves" should never be defined by someone else. We're all individuals and we can never connect with others before we connect with ourselves.

And then we all sit in a circle and sing.

Actually it makes sense. Sense of self is so important, and if you don't know exactly who you are then how can you relate to other people with honesty? I often wonder if my desire and willingness to be in the shadows and do for others is my personality or my umbrella to hide the fact that I don't have a personality.

Well of course I have one...I just am to shy to let others know what it is.

So am I hiding or am I being who I was meant to be?

I know none of my rambling really makes sense to anyone else. There used to be a time when I could communicate well with words, but lately I've been writing more for myself than others. The irony is that the writing is posted for others to read...not just myself. I suppose I need to start focusing on this new format and stop journalizing in the old fashion. Irregardless these questions and random thoughts all came from a semi-conversation (meaning a chat-based one) that I had this morning...that I'm still a little confused on so I'm not going to write about it. Too many thoughts...have to get a few out of my head.

I hope that if someone actually does read this they'll find some solace in the fact they are no where near as crazy or messed up as I am.