Penis Envy Part I

I have had quite a few phases where I wished I was a man. Don't get me wrong I adore being female. I like being pretty and soft and nice. I like not having to prove how strong I am all the time or how tough I can be by slamming pins into my chest. I like my long hair, I like lipstick, I like pretty flowery skirts, I love heels. I love going backwards in heels - and I am very good at it.

Nevertheless, I often wish I was a man. Sometimes I wish it for silly things, like I'd rather be male so I could do the "staring at breasts" thing instead of someone doing it too me. Sometimes it's because I'd like to be able to walk through my neighborhood at night and not feel so vulnerable. Sometimes it's because I'd like to be able to talk like I'm intelligent and shoot the bull without being viewed as less of a girl.

But lately it's been for a whole different reason. I think a penis would be awfully handy. I came to this conclusion on our roadtrip to Montreal a few weeks ago. After the third rest stop, where it only took Craig a few minutes to go in and out - leaving him plenty of time to stretch his legs and relax outside of the car, I realized how much easier it would be if I could pee standing up. There is a rumor that women's restrooms are somehow cleaner than men's. I don't believe it. For some reason women have this need to attempt to pee without touching anything in the stall - the wall, the seat, the door, none of it. Of course I get a little squicked about germs and thousands of hands rubbing against the same handle too - but I carry disinfectant soap and I wash my hands, and take a shower everyday. I don't feel I need to worry that much. Other women do though. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a mother screaming at her kid in a public restroom because she had touched the toilet paper dispenser.

Because women are so freaked about touching anything they attempt to squat over the seat while still in the standing position. This is an impossible proposition. Women are not built for this and there is absolutely no way to aim. None. Sorry, it can't be done. So inevitably there is either pee on the seat, on the floor, or down the poor gals leg. It is no where near the actual commode.

I've been in Men's rooms. I'm of the mind that, unless the restroom is in a bar or other establishment serving massive amounts of alcohol, the liquid on the floor in there is probably water. Mostly water at least. In a womens room, you can bet most of it is urine. And because women attempt cleanliness (but lack the guts to actually clean gross stuff) they compound the floor problem by throwing toilet paper on the puddle to soak it up. So not only is the floor covered in pee, it's covered in dirty toilet paper too. (And people wonder why cleaning ladies are so belligerent.)

The other problem with the "squatting" method is the seat itself. Even when women are provided with those seat cover things...they'll still try and squat. Which as I said gets pee all over the seat. And the seat is something a women will -not- attempt, even halfheartedly, to clean. She'll leave it. Women also do this with the flush, I have no idea why someone wouldn't flush in the first place, but if they don't other women will simply leave it and move to the next stall before doing it for them. Both create a horrible cycle for the rest of us normal people who just want to get in and get out. If the girl had just sat down in the first place to pee, there would not be pee on the seat. But because she didn't, there is pee on the seat and therefore no one else will sit down to pee, getting more pee on the seat. Over and over and over.

So I went off on a little rant there, but it all comes down to this. If I had a penis, I could pee standing up. I wouldn't have to look for the non-mucked up seat, I wouldn't have to deal with cleaning it off before I sat down, I could aim, I could keep my distance. And it'd be faster, thus getting me out of the icky bathroom, away from the crazy people, and allow me more "stretching legs time." These benefits carry over from public restrooms to port-a-potties as well (where speed is essential, particularly when it's 95 degrees outside and you're at an event housing 150,000 people). In those peeing standing up is doubly great because you don't have to try and turn around in that small thing and you can finish before you have to take another held breath.

I haven't even touched on the fact that the penis also allows men to -not- remove their pants during the whole ideal, which has to shave off tons of time and hassle.

I'll leave this first portion of my fascination with the male anatomy by pointing out that I am not the first woman to think of this. In the book "Mr. Darcy takes a Wife" there is a paragraph where Elizabeth marvels at the way Darcy can relieve himself into the chamber pot while still perched on the bed...and never have to walk over the cold floor with his bare feet. Amazing! Indeed!