I'm just happy.

I'm prone to being depressed. It's partly genetic (thanks mom, grandma, great grandma) and partly a side effect from the dreaded "pill" and part of it is probably my need to analyze everything and really get into the nitty-gritty of everyday life.

With the loss of the sun this winter and a rather bad year last year followed by another really bad spring I was in a pretty awful depression.

Today I realized...it's gone.

For the past year and a half I have been discontent, something always felt wrong I just wanted to curl up and cry or sleep - or preferably die. I kept running around looking for something to help it. Perhaps more exercise, more sex, more food, more sleep. Then I got mad at myself for going the "more" route and tried the less food, less sleep, less sex path. Of course neither worked. Depression isn't about what you do or don't have...it's about losing yourself in the mess that is an overly complicated brain. I resigned myself that I would forever be depressed and because of that went looking for things that would keep me that way (subconsciously of course.)

Today though I realized that I only felt bad because I was doing things that were stupid. Of course I know it's natural to crave stress and drama - put any group of people together and they will create conflict just because. However, last night - this morning, I realized that the only reason why I was depressed anymore was because I was making myself so. While I was truly depressed I was looking at all the wrong places to find some solace. And when I searched in the right place I felt guilty that I had to search and would berate myself for not just feeling happy with my horrible lot. Vicious cycle that.

Today I realized I don't need any of it. I'm happy. I'm really happy. I wake up in the morning excited to go to work. I like the things I do there. I like my apartment, I like the people there. I have something most people never have, a good husband who loves me and compliments me perfectly. I have a cat who makes me happy just by being cat-like. I have a nice very small family that I come home to everyday and I like being part of. It couldn't be better.

I know it's bad form to be so content with my life. I should want more, a better job, a nicer home, the perfect relationship, more money. I should want all these things, but I don't. Sure I'll work towards more goals, but I don't need anything else right now to be content. I have it all...and it's nice to know that life really can be this good.

It's also nice to know that the only thing that can make me sad right now is me. It's very...freeing.