Non-Battle

(More wifely woes.)

I used to be an overly busy-bee. In addition to working and going to school I did plays, went to shows, was in a dance troupe, took classes like yoga and kickboxing, went to the gym, volunteered for the symphony, the library, the nature conservatory. I cleared forests and washed dogs. I did lots and lots of stuff.

Then my husband came along. When we first moved in together of course we had that giddy "no-one-matters-but-you" period that couples have. I kinda shied away from friends and parties that wouldn't be his scene in order to spend time with him. I also saw it as a duty, although a happy one, to make sure he had dinner and do his laundry and all that stuff. I cut back on this and that so I could be with him as much as possible.

This started about five years ago and I've suddenly realized that I have cut back so much, I have nothing of my own. We had quite a few fights, discussions and "lectures-at-katy" about my priorities. How I should want to spend my weekends and evenings with him more than I should want to go to rehearsal at the theatre. How when I was home I should be more interested in hanging out with him, playing video games with him or watching t.v. with him; rather than writing or reading. He started wanting me to wait to go running or to the gym so we could go together. He was right, there were times when I would get serious tunnel vision when it came to theatre or writing. I wanted things to be perfect so I would let it all go and work towards only one thing. He got the same way too, we often had to be reminded that we weren't one person but two...and we needed to change our ideas.

But while I tried to fix my schedule for school and hobbies - even work - to fit around my husband, my husband was picking up new hobbies. Fishing, autocrossing, acupuncture (believe me, it's a hobby), video games, gardening, cooking. And he expected me to be as interested in them as he was, but never did he show an interest in the few hobbies I kept.

The other day I realized that my life has now dwindled to naught but work and home with nothing that is wholly my own save the car drive home. Even that has been a tad tarnished by a subversive trick to replace all my Barenaked Ladies CD's with Black Eyed Peas and System of a Down. In any other mindset I'd think this was a funny quirk of ours - our different musical tastes, now I feel like it's a guerilla tactic. There is an underlying war going on in my home to prove who actually controls me. Not the relationship, but me, myself. And it's very subtle because both of us are being terribly passive aggressive.

My husband has suddenly grown incredibly clingy. He has become cuddly, sitting on the same chair as me, sleeping on my side of the bed, kissing me often. He never kisses, seriously once I "put out" all kissing stopped. All of a sudden he is all about sticking his tongue down my throat at every opportunity. Is this a renewed sense of passion in him? A conscious effort to remind me he likes me? Or is it a way to claim me as his own personal chew toy?

Our desks are now in the same room. The same room and with the feeling of a cubicle "pit". I can turn around and see his screen, he can turn and see mine. He can also hear everything. Again the music comes into play, his stereo set usually wins. Also, there is an unwritten rule that if I am on the computer, he has to be too, and vice versa. He won't come out and say he doesn't want me on the computer, but he will but he will sigh, huff and puff, then get annoyed and upset if I don't make a move to go spend time with him.

Recently I realized how passive aggressive all these developments came about when I walked away from Hannity and Colmes (hate them) and went upstairs to read my email. I spent maybe five minutes fooling around in World of Warcraft making a new character when I went back downstairs to get a drink.

"I thought you were coming back." He said.

"I was, but I made a mage." I said.

"Oh." And then he stood up and went to the office where he turned on WoW and his warrior followed my mage around the entire time I tried to level her. His computer finally punked out, leaving me to myself, when he decided it was time for bed and continued to yell "Katy, bedtime" over and over until I relented and went to bed.

My mage is only level 3 still.

Is this a desire to play World of Warcraft with me? Spend time in presence? Or does he want to be big brother and make sure I don't role-play my mage with anyone else or level higher than he does?

I decided to declare a "police action". I'm taking drastic action towards this alarming loss of self. I could easily slip into the Katy-that-isn't girl I played so well through high school. Do nothing but find a corner in the room I'm suppose to be in just read quietly - invisibly. Or I can not go softly into whatever stereotype of domestic bliss is in these days and do something for myself. I can be active, productive and happy. If I'm going to be a good wife I need to be a good Katy - and that means doing things I love.

There are four things I really want to do. Learn to play the guitar, learn to speak French, take up yoga and dance again, and learn to draw human figures.

I started looking for some good yoga classes. Wanting to do this right I asked C. to ask his acupuncturist for some recommendations. I figured this would be a way to involve him and get something for me all at the same time. I stipulated that I wanted a nice environment that was free of competition. Somewhere I could just go and "be" while doing something fun. He found a few places and I started to look for some classes that I could take.

That's when he announced he wanted to take yoga too. In fact he wanted to take the same class that I did and that we could meet up after my work and spend time before the class too. I was wary, he always makes physical things a competition. However, it could be a coincidence or peer pressure. Yoga would be good for him, healthy, and taking a class together makes sense. Still, it felt a little like he is trying to make sure I don't stray too far from the leash.

Then I told him about the French class I found. It starts in October and is once a week in the evenings. It's at a local college, but as a non-credit course it's actually really cheap (less than yoga). I was psyched.

"What do you think?"

"When is it again?"

"Starts in October."

"I'm going to be gone for three weeks in October. We can't do it."

Wait! What? I didn't even think he wanted to learn French...and I didn't invite him to take the class with me. In fact I wanted the class for myself...just myself. I want to meet new people and socialize with them...not him. I socialize with him everyday. Once again, C. was trying to take my hill. I rallied the troupes:

"Tuesday is the day you have acupuncture and I'm home alone...I could take a class and we'd get home at the same time and I won't be lonely in the house all night.

"That's true..."

HA!

Unfortunately, this coup feels like I've somehow talked my way into getting a day pass out of jail. The more I think about how I allowed myself to lose my identity to him the more angry and hurt I feel. I'm angry at myself for being such a pushover, and I'm angry at C. for taking advantage of it. Especially since he is the one who spends so much of his time reminding me to stand up for myself - towards everyone else.

Thinking about this stuff makes me feel bad. He could be trying to just be a sweeter, more attentive husband, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm being watched. It feel like the beginning of a Stepford Wives movie. Marriages shouldn't feel like police actions. They shouldn't contain martial law. Maybe my husband is trying to be more dominant, more commanding. But I'm chaffing at the bit - and that means it's being pulled too tight.