Why isn't there a...

My Husband forgot he has a physical therapy type appointment tonight so we're skipping the birthday celebration and I'm stuck alone to blog obsessively. Not unlike the 20 emails a day I would send to him when he was away

I read a blog post the other day (okay today) which had one of those classic lines you hear guys say when they have an unguarded moment with someone of the same sex. I posted a comment to that blog in jest saying how much I was struck by that line, but I may have started something. I guess that's the hazard of text, sometimes you just don't know the person has a twinkle in their eye.

In any case, the line is what caught my attention. Living with two sailors (and sometimes a few extras plus some marines and recently the army "dudes") and being generally quiet and shy around people I don't know I've gotten to hear my share of unguarded comments. At first they shocked me to no end, but it's been a couple of years now and I can be almost as crude as they can - which I think is a good skill since it allows them to relax - there will be no "red-light" from this girl.

However, no matter how bad it gets, there is always one comment that tops them all, and I've yet to hear anything that's even nearly as bad. Or nearly as funny.

When I read the blog comment in question (which by the by you can go read at Clublife as well as my blogosphere faux-pas. Honestly I don't know why I even bother. In any case the bog itself is one of the very few bogs I actually love like a book - which to me is a lot. It's definitely worth taking the time to read the entire archived thing.) Let me begin again: When I read the comment in question, which was sort of about a girl who looked pretty but acted like a bitch I couldn't help but giggle over the things men will pick out as important. She's crazy, but at least she's hot. I was also struck by a comment-comment about "grudge-f***in".

I mentioned the comments to my husband today (resident expert on guy-perspective) and to my roommate (resident expert on the nice-guy-perspective):

Me: So you guys really just want us to be silent and cute huh?

Husband: If that were true I wouldn't have married you.

Me: Good point. Cause I don't shut up do I?

Husband: Nope.

Roommate: That's for sure.

Husband: But you know, some girls, you just have to ask "Why isn't there a..."


And that's when all three of us dissolved into laughter. Because we all know how that question ends.

Back when I was just learning how crass men really can be we were having dinner at a pub in Coronado, California. One of the things sailors love to do is tell sea-stories, especially crazy ones that make young women blush and giggle and make the other sailors try to top it. After hearing the one about the transvestite who let my husband and my roommate take pictures of her/his boobs in Australia for the 20th time our fourth wheel piped in with his Tijuana story:

Apparently he and his boys had been partying all night as can only be done in T-J and were waiting in line to cross back over to the US sometime in the wee hours of the morning. Of course they had a few girls in tow. Our storyteller had had quite a lot of alcohol and a headache to match and his partner was dragging along some chatty chica next to his pounding temple. He couldn't remember what she was saying, but apparently she was saying it loud and in a high pitched voice with no interruption for breath.

In his drunken, unhappy, tired state he stopped mid-shuffle, lifted his head and yelled loud enough to startle the custom officers "WHY ISN'T THERE A COCK IN THAT BITCH'S MOUTH?!"

She stopped being annoying after that.

I wasn't there that night, but the effect isn't lost in the retelling. Why, oh why, isn't there a cock in that bitch's mouth? It is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Funnier still that I often think about this story when C. and I are out with some other annoying girl who just won't shut-up. I have also, in my somewhat more masochistic moments, thought it of myself. C. promises he never has, and I believe him because 1) it's nice to believe the nice things your husband says and 2) I think he actually likes that I'm talkative to him.

So in our house it's a running joke to always ask why someone has not put the annoying girl's mouth to a better use. And I'm always happy for a chance to have that kind of a laugh with my boys.

Though I fear for the day my roommate finally gets a girlfriend and she's stuck with some of the three most unpolitically correct asses in the world. Poor girl.