Some women are from Mars too...

Warning: Again, more talk about sex. I know, I'm a slut, whatever

I could have got some today.

This morning, after a long sleeping-in period, my husband woke up with his arms out and a twinkle in his eye. He was that perfect kind of cuddly frisky that always makes me gush and giggle and usually results in lots of warm, fun coupling.

Unfortunately, as is usually the case when he gets this way, he caught me at the tail end of my "time". I have my period. I'm past the whole cramping, pain, very ill part of it (which in my case is always pretty bad) and now into the "when the heck is this going to go away" part. Around this time I'm sure there is some extra new hormone coming back and others leaving, etc. that affect my mood and needs, I dunno. I do know there are some serious disconnects between what I "want" and what is physically possible. I can definitely get aroused, to the point where I'm flushed, my heart rate accelerates, my breathing is heavy and my skin gets that familiar, hot, over-sensitive tingle. However, though fore-play for me right now is great actual love-making sucks.

For some reason I don't get wet, or wet enough. Skipping the whole "blood thing" which is actually rather low...and I have that cup thing that works quite well, I just don't get wet. Sure, there's always artificial stuff but it never really works for me. I think it's an ego thing, I will either feel guilty that I need it or offended that he thinks I do. Hey, I'm a girl...no one ever said we were logical.

My actual body is a different "shape" too. My cervix won't move up (the position it's in during ovulation to provide better access for making babies) it hangs low and is horribly uncomfortable. My muscles refuse to loosen up enough for actual penetration, imagine you being a virgin again...then imagine it not getting better. Yeah - it feels like that. Likewise I feel pretty cold down there, no matter what, so I don't really feel anything at all except "ow".

In short - I can't get it up. And when I can't get it up...C. can't. Well he can, but he either can't or won't keep it that way. I'm never sure. There is always a lot of pressure for me because if I don't keep up the moaning and the screaming (something I usually have no trouble doing - I make noise) in just the right way he usually comes to half-mast and that's the end of playtime. I think it might be because he's 1) afraid he's hurting me or 2) doesn't want to finish if I can't or 3) can't stay aroused without his partner being aroused and egging him on. I figure this is pretty normal. I mean two people who live together all the time aren't always going to be in the same place at the same time.

So after convincing him that it simple was -not- going to happen this morning he rolled over and went to play on the computer.

This is going to sound selfish but here goes: I still wanted him. I felt horribly guilty pushing him off (I offered of course to help in other ways but lately he's been less enthused about alternate forms of sex. It's a phase.) but I was still in the same state he was. Hot and denied. Okay, it was my fault I was stuck there, but the fact is I was stuck there. I've heard a lo of girls say that they get horny when it's their time of the month. I'm no exception...I get flustered easily and often. And this morning I was flustered. This particular moment in the whole "woman" time frame is a perfect one for masturbation for me. I say masturbation because that is the only way I can get any useful attention paid to my clitoris. My husband for all his eagerness to please gets a little over-zealous. He has big thumbs and he presses really hard. I've often commented that I am not, in fact, an elevator and he does not have to beat the button to make it go, but it is cute that he really wants to try hard. I'm lucky, some men don't care. Still I find myself thinking of the Monty Python bit with the boys in "Sex Education" class whenever his fingers or tongue go wandering "Why don't we try something else before we go STAMPEDING FOR THE CLITORIS".

In any case...I wasn't about to try anything after I had just essentially dumped the man and so I went off myself. Hot, bothered, and really overly clingy. I get that way too. I'm not a romantic, but I do like it once in awhile. Call me girly, go on...

So, 12 hours later, I'm still a little bothered. We had to take a long drive, lots of shopping, more driving while he napped. It took the edge off, but the real problem is I spent the whole day thinking about someone else. And thinking things that didn't help me calm down.

I think I have what could be called an "abstract lover". I stole the abstract from him. But abstract or not, he seems to come into my thoughts at odd times. And he is damn sexy too. It's a different feel than being with my husband, again I'm the other girl in his company than in C.'s. He's a whole different story and I'm still a little confused about how the story goes. Expect future pondering in other posts. In any case he was pretty frisky today too, and I just couldn't reciprocate. All I wanted was to curl up and snuggle and I couldn't snuggle with anyone because I was pure sexual tease poison. I could have gotten laid twice today really, and I walked away from both times. And yes, I still can't get it up. And yes, I still want too.

See...not only men have this problem.