I took a turn past our "beverage station" (consisting of a coffee maker, a water cooler and a sink) at work today and was met by my former boss and another manager.
"There is Beautiful Katy ______" she exclaimed.
I turned to smile and say hi to them both when I looked at Ms. XBoss's face freeze in terror.
"Oh, I am so sorry. I just meant that your jacket is very nice. I always liked this jacket." She was babbling and clearly agitated. Her eyes were big as saucers and she literally looked like a doe about to be mowed over by a semi.
I was curious why she was suddenly so apologetic, since she's never been apologetic to me even when she did something awful, but I figured that the graceful thing to do is drop it. So I did.
"Thank you. I like my jacket too. It's my favorite one."
"It's a good color on you...I mean it's a good color...it's pretty." Usually Ms. XBoss is more direct than this. I can't figure out why she keeps recanting.
"It's also fuzzy, I like how soft velour is, Vicki keeps petting me."
Ms. XBoss and Ms. Manager reach out to pet my proffered arm. I think it's funny, but Ms. XBoss catches herself and pulls her hand back like she just touched fire. I'm beginning to get a little freaked out. We chit-chat about how to find good, pretty jackets, but everything feels really strained and I want to go back to my desk.
"Hey, did you two hear that there is popcorn on my desk? Mr. NowBoss just opened the tin so it's good and fresh. You should come have some."
That did it, everyone around us peeks out from their cubicles. It really is like little prairie dogs peeking from their holes. Soon I'm inundated with popcorn questions and in the ensuing confusion I slink back to my desk and set out a few more cups. Everyone files over to get a cup of holiday candy and snacks. Ms. XBoss too.
"I'm really sorry about calling you beautiful before. I shouldn't say things like that."
"I'm not gonna complain...I'll take beautiful any day." I say, handing over a cup full of popcorn.
"Yeah, but you're not supposed to say things like that anymore. It's an office."
I'm stunned for a minute. I'm lucky enough to sit with a group of people who are funny, irreverent and not at all offended. We say lots of things we shouldn't...and Vicki has been petting me all day. We're the group who goes out and actually gets drunk and boisterous at happy hour rather than throwing back a Zima and leaving before six.
"Well I'm not easily offended. I married a sailor after all."
We part ways, she goes back to her desk smiling and with a full cup of popcorn, and I sit down at mine somewhat confused by the whole thing.
If I've learned anything it's that rules are created because something bad has happened in the past regarding the matter. That is to say, if you are told specifically that it is not allowed to ride a horse through the cafeteria, there is a good chance it's because someone once rode a horse through the cafeteria. Why else would they specifically tell you not to do that? Sure...no horse through the cafeteria, also no llamas, elephants and koala bears. This seems common sense. But they remind you about horses, because someone, somewhere, sometime, forgot.
So who was the person who got offended by being called beautiful? And who was the person who was so offended that they complained to HR? And how offended were they that HR, a decidedly whimpy area of our office, found themselves putting the fear of god into Ms. XBoss. She's a tough cookie, but she was genuinely afraid when she realized she had accidentally called me beautiful.
Are there really people out there who are so sensitive that even nice stuff gets to them? Whatever happened to writing things off as a quirky experience? Or even better, being able to take a compliment. With so many people in the world today, and so many opportunities to say whatever the hell you want to them, why are we discouraging the nice things? Must we resign ourselves to talking about the type of popcorn in the tin for eternity? Will I be an old woman reminiscing about that fine conversation I had with my best friend - talking about the best kind of cotton blend for socks?
And where - oh - where did we lose those morals from children's stories? Why must we punished an entire employee base because once upon a time someone called someone beautiful - and they didn't like it? Shouldn't the punishment fit the crime? Shouldn't the punishment fit the criminal?
And isn't it said that a kind word could save the world?
World War III isn't going to be started by war-mongers....it's going to be started by Human Resources!!!!
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7 comments:
Sexual Harrassment.
Not trying to be laconic, but it probably has to do with that. Even females can harrass other females, etc.
You are right, it is sad what HR does to politeness. Take it back to the Bushes- being tactful is now untactful? It is very similar... wierd.
Great post. Except for one thing. I spent 23 years in HR trying to get rid of the wimpy image and squishy policies that normally come from that area. :)
But, you're right. For the most part, they're a bunch of weenies. One reason I left the corporate world is that I was tired of making everyone else happy, yet I was miserable.
Dawn, yes you're probably right - it probably had something to do with harrassment. At the same time there has be a point where adults are able to shrug off the very simple and not-so-uncomfortable statements. Okay, so maybe she said the same thing to someone and it was inappropiate. Would it not be better to 1) Realize that being termed beautiful will not hurt your welfare and/or career or 2) Say a quiet word to the individual about how you'd prefer they not say things like that?
But you're right, perhaps the person before me really felt awful. I didn't think about it like that. Thanks for reminding me!
Fred, I'm sure you were a wimpy HR person. I actually speak with our HR Director quite a bit and he once told me that working in HR you realize how amazingly kind and compassionate people are, and also how ruthless and horrible they can be. And I thought, wow, what a job.
Then I worked with him somemore and realized that he views his job as molding people to be neither terrible, nor great. I guess years of trying to deal with petty stuff sure can make you cower in a corner. But when they, and I mean people at my office in particular, feed the gimmee-gimmee beasts, then they aren't helping anyone.
That being said, I didn't mean to offend (okay maybe I did) anyone. And I'm sure HR isn't really wimpy.
I just had a thought. Maybe the lady just realized that saying that in front of someone else might embarass you. I like the kitty book case, btw.
Dawn, The bookcase is all your fault. You shamed me enough to go fiddle with my template. Thanks
And that might have been it. In any other situation. But when I worked with her in the other department she used to say stuff like that to all of us girls. Of course though, maybe she was just trying to be nice.
I still don't mind people giving me compliments...and I never want to feel like I can't give them myself. If someone looks nice, or does something well, I want them to know.
I know when I worked as student coordinator at a college before, we were given strict instructions by our union rep on how to deal with students of the opposite gender. For what its worth, I think there is greater strictness on male workers towards female students, for obvious reasons. I remember some tips - widely ignored - that stated "Do not smile too much when talking lest she interprets it otherwise", and another, "if a female student is waiting outside your office, unlock the door and enter before her. Do not hold the door open for her, do not invite her to enter first."
*shakes head*
Strange. Who would ever be offended by compliments?
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