Crossing the Boards: Step NONE

Saturday I found myself winding around some remote area of B'more, following "Detour to ********* St. Business" signs alternately muttering Shakespeare lines and "Don't wash my windshield...don't! stop!" at the world around me.

Apparently the new street-gang prank to play is turning the street signs cockeyed...I'm on Main St - I'm not on Main St - I'm on Main St again - I'm driving off a pier...

Fortunately I managed to find this warehouse-turn-office without going for a swim. And once I parked I suddenly felt a huge rush of joy. I was going to an audition. For months my verve, my energy, my happy-go-lucky-girl-who-skips-for-no-reason self had been hidden. Then all at once she was back. I was genuinely happy, smiling...when I walked I bounced. It's been awhile since I've been that undepressed.

In fact, the last time I was this undepressed...I was quitting theatre.

The audition was great. The kind I like. No theatre games, no "pretend you are a tree". I walked in, I did my monologue, got a side, read my side...went home. Short, sweet, and I did very well for myself. In fact - I was good.

And I was happy. Driving home I was feeling that strange euphoric calm that comes from expending too much adrenaline too fast. It was fabulous. I felt like the embodiment of "rosy". I wasn't out of breath or exhausted, I was just rested and tired at the same time. I was relaxed. I was excited. Really - I was sated.

I kept my rose colored glasses all the way home, kept it through the chores I finished in a Snow White-esque scene where I was humming and singing, and yeah, whistling while I worked. I kept them on as I curled up on the couch, a book in hand, a soft blanket, a cat. Waiting for my husband to get home so I could tell him all about it.

Sometime between curling up and him coming home - the glasses fell off and was replaced with a little voice. What are you doing?

I shrugged it off. I knew what I was doing...I was getting a little booster shot of joy. Just a taste to tide me through the holiday season. I hadn't even bothered to bring my cellphone in from the car. The audition was all I needed.

Still I heard it whispering Who are you kidding?

Sunday I found myself skipping through the parking lot of our mall. Indulging in bad chinese food and smelly girly stuff from Bath & Body Works. The day was gorgeous, I was gorgeous, my husband was gorgeous. I was feeling good and it wasn't because of theatre. See...all I needed was a kick start.

Are you really sure?

I ignored the voice as best I could until I realized that I had checked my cellphone maybe five times in the course of one day. Rare, seeing as how I normally don't check my phone at all on weekends. I was checking for a call from the theatre.

Crap! I'm like a cocaine addict. One little snort at a party and suddenly I'm sitting in a crack den offering blow jobs for another line.

What am I doing? I shouldn't be doing theatre, I shouldn't be auditioning. One audition leads to another and another and another. I keep searching for that little rosy glow I get...and before I know it I'm dealing with all kinds of abuse just to get there. That glow is bad...that glow is poison...it keeps sucking the life out of me.

My stupid little voice is laughing at me. It knows I want to do a play, want to get involved with a company, it knows I would do anything to do more theatre - and it's all because I went to that stupid audition.

I should be planning for winter term, I should be going to school.

What the hell am I doing?

Why do I keep putting a hundred percent into the parts of my life that keep me down, theatre, marriage, dead-end job - and give up, sacrifice, the parts that could make me more than what I am? Why do I keep choosing abuse and submission over activity?

Stupid audition, stupid play.