Confusion at the water-cooler

"Mr. You-know-who isn't here yet. He's running late."

"Uh-oh, I'm not even going to get into that story." Nick says, one of my favorite male co-workers.

"Yeah, family stuff again, then you know how it goes." I say vaguely.

"Oh really? What did his wife make him do now?" says Mary my fellow schedule lady.

"Gee...why don't you tell us how you really feel?" counters the male.

"Listen, there is a thing that makes a man a man."

"Sturdy digestion?" he jokes.

"Oh! That's why they say the way to a mans heart is through his...." I wink and pat my stomach as I taper off.

"All I know is I would never tell my husband what to do. There is a certain way things work. There is a certain something that makes him a man and you don't do that to him."

We both nod at Mary. I'm not sure what Nick thinks, but I'm too confused to either agree or disagree with her. Nodding works.

(Names have been changed to protect the catty.)

The guy in question has missed quite a few days at his wife's insistence. Including one particularly fateful week where he went AWOL then pinned the blame on me and stood by as I was called out onto the carpet. Even though it was a crappy thing to do, I can't help but feel sorry whenever I hear his sob stories. And, I have to admit, I'm a little disgusted at how pussy-whipped he is.

I know, deep down, that it's not fair to judge other relationships. Or even other peoples views of gender roles. But sometimes I find myself agree almost wholeheartedly with Mary's statement: "There is a thing that makes a man a man."

Of course I'm biased. I'm currently at a phase in my life where pure, raw, rough, dominant masculinity is attractive to me. You could call it genetic - I'm young and of the perfect age for breeding. Right now I want the biggest, strongest, baddest gorilla so my children will be the biggest, strongest, gorilla babies. Well - hopefully my babies won't look like gorillas, but you get the point.

Or instead of calling it genetic you could call it cultural. Guinevere fell for Lancelot, Cathy andIsabella fell for Heathcliff, Leia fell for Han. The bad boys, the defiantly macho guys are the style. Always have been. Who doesn't at some point want a brute.

Or rather than any influences at all I may be looking for that manly man simply cause I'm me, and I come with a lot of desires that fall in the darker side of passion.

Not for me is the fairytale with a princess being swept gently off her feet and slowly wooed. No, in my fairytale I'm a rogue girl, stealing from the princesses travelling through the forest - and he is even more of a brigand than I.

Shut-up, it's a good fantasy. And probably not so uncommon, because in my fantasy I am the one who ultimately submits.

There's been a big elephant stomping around for sometime now. The adult blogs I link to aren't just there because of their lovely art and prose - they're there because they deal with topics that are close to my heart...and stomach...and quite frankly my ass. However, I am no where near as focused and far too sexually shy (yes still) to be able to blog as effectively as they can. I like spanking, and the idea of dominance and submission as ying/yang concepts. And I like the idea of ropes and wax and quite honestly pain. It's sexy. However, I am no where near as focused and far too sexually shy (yes still) to be able to blog as effectively as they can.

When I was younger my morbid side came out in the form of a large collection of skulls, bones, and blood (fake - though there was this one time at a my girlfriends house...). I spent a lot of time in graveyards (I never said I was original) and more time daydreaming in the land of gruesome, cruel, gross nightmare land. I read a lot of Anne Rice, and even more de Sade. Quite frankly I think my fascination with modern Sadism and Masochism is an improvement. At least I'm not building prisons and guillotines for my barbies anymore.

But possibly because of my leaning toward a deviant sex life I prefer men who fit into the style. Yes, I know women are just as controlling and domineering as men, but as much as I like women, and as sexy as they are, there is nothing quite so delicious as the thought of a man who is capable of putting his foot down and has no fear of being in charge. You can be mild mannered, or firey. Discreet or loud. But there is something that makes a man a man. Mary is right, it just makes me feel - deflated - to think of Mr. You-Know-Who being battered and bossed around by his wife. If only instead of chewing my ear for an hour everyday he could simply put his foot down. Tell her to shush, tell her to start pulling her weight or expect to be pulled over his knee. Or even, just possibly, tell her no.

Being a navy wife I have a strong disdain for women who can't "do" without their husbands. Heck, mine was gone for years and I managed to move an entire household across the country on my own. If I can do that, other women can direct a plumber to the broken sink. I also have a strong disdain for women who expect their husbands to leave work at the drop of a hat for them. But even as I hate childish women like that and pity their husbands, I always wonder why he can't just tell her to settle down and wait? Am I wrong in thinking a man has a right to expect support from his spouse? Am I wrong to believe that a wife's job, among other things, is to provide a soft place to land after a hard day? Am I wrong to think that when a woman refuses to act like an adult her spouse has the right to point her in the right direction?

If the things that make us women are compassion, softness, and maternal instinct - why can't the thing that makes them men be firmness, strength and guiding care? What's wrong with being impenetrable?

Perhaps the thing that so confuses me about Mary's statement is the fact that the thing that makes a man a man is a woman who's willing to be a woman.

And vice versa.