Shakedown

I hate to say this (mostly because for some reason there is a high school teacher haunting my blog, otherwise I wouldn't feel guilty) but I learned very little from my AP American History teacher in high school. Actually I learned very little from most of my high school teachers. As I talk more and more with my fellow scholastic-over-achievers from my childhood we've all noticed that most of our skills and knowledge came from our 8th grade Honors English teacher and our parents. Mostly our parents. Public education in Hawaii is some-what...lacking. Of course our high school achievements don't really matter now. Some yellow-sashed kids went to MIT, Harvard and Westpoint. One committed suicide, one dropped out of school to live in Amsterdam and one is now a successful, prize winning scientist. I skipped college, ran away to New York and then married a sailor. The devil is always in the details huh?

However! I did learn one extremely useful and interesting (at least to me) skill from my AP History teacher that I probably would never have learned from anyone else - The Art of the Handshake.

Shake on it Kathryn he told me one day when I had successfully argued my way out of one of his dumb recess I-am-a-God-and-you-are-my-minions Fests disguised as extra study time. Shake like a man, let me know who you are. Straighten the arm, but never reach - let them come to you. Fit your thumb into the hand - all the way to the heel, wrap firmly and shake down once. That's how you shake like a man Kathryn, that's how you seal the deal.

It is also, I learned later, a good way to size up a person quickly and let them know exactly where they stand in the pecking order.

Every handshake to me is a little war. A little stand-off on a hill. I'm sure most of it is subconscious in ourselves...but all the little details in a handshake really put forth an idea of the person and the situation. How long do you hold a hand? When do you make eye contact and when do you break it? Do you shake or let it hang? How far do you reach? How hard do you squeeze? One hand or two? There are so many little parts of a handshake that can give away so much.

I particularly enjoy shaking hands with politicians (something you get to do a lot when your Father is a Business and Government Reporter.) Shaking the hand of a politician is like cracking open a bad egg. You sit for hours listening to them posture about their strength and importance, then you shake their hands. The good ones shake male hands firmly, locked in tight, almost like they were sharing a confidence. Female hands they completely enclose, but never firmly. Like they were holding the hand of a porcelain doll. But even if they are good handshakers, politicians always reach - they always come to you. Maybe it's because their job is all about begging, always begging for a vote, for a favor. Maybe they're the ultimate service worker, maybe they just didn't know you should let people come to you.

Business men on the other hand are choosy about who they reach out for. Customers obviously can wait for the hand to come to them, Salesmen need to have long arms. Men will always reach out for women - irregardless of the position that woman holds. Most business men have a firm grip, almost far too tight. You'd think they were holding money in their hand rather than flesh. Business men also like to shake in a closed body position. While most people will face you at least a little and open the torso to shake, Business men will turn their sides to you, even reach over their chests to get to you. If they are facing directly they won't make eye contact, or they will turn their feet opposite. Also, the stronger of the business men will keep both feet on the ground, while the weaker will lift their heels, or even the entire foot.

The more I live within the corporate world the more I realize that this might be a guard against false friends. So many times I see my bosses chatter with associates back and forth about trivial matters. What they had for dinner last night, the next great movie. But they never feel any real interest towards any of these personal subjects. In fact they probably hate one another...but they have to look like their close friends - just to keep everyone else out.

Of course I'm picking on the men because by and large handshaking is a "man" thing. Men have been doing it for a long time...centuries. Back when men offered hands to show they weren't carrying any weapons...women didn't have much call to get out of the house. It's only been recently that female handshakes have come into their own.

And we do have one and it is extremely powerful. As male hands grow bigger and ours remain small we have to find new ways to make the shake even, or perhaps gain ground. A man's hand can engulf a woman's. Often you can see men emphasizing the size difference by doing the double clasp. Grip the woman's hand and hold her arm out, then clasp your second hand over, turn your body completely toward her and lean in close. It's a complete violation of personal space and a big point for the man. He can say I have your arm, I have your space, I have your attention - all without looking like the ass he really is.

A woman's handshake needs to take control to even the odds before he can pull her in. A woman shake is all about withholding something, anything, everything. Maybe that's a metaphor for the way women need to behave in society, maybe it's just a skill we use subconsciously. Women, when they shake like women, only offer their fingers, and sometimes only their fingertips. They never hold their hand out. The elbow stays at our side, our forearm curves towards them, we beckon our victim towards us. Only the tip of the thumb will come in contact with the shakers hand, never the heel of the hand. It's not a hold. We caress their hand with our thumb, maybe rub their knuckle - just a little - to throw them off their guard. Make them look up, tilt their heads away from the shake and into our eyes. Give 'em the look. There are many versions of the look, the one that makes men want to protect us, the one that makes them want to comfort us, the one that makes them want to rip our clothes off. Women practice these looks, I know I did. It's an art, and when well-performed can get us whatever we want - whenever we want. Does this sound unfair? Try being 5'4'' surrounded by seven men who are all above 6'2'' and like to call you "kiddo". I use what I have.

A woman's shake is more about the eyes than about the hand. A good female handshaker will never let a man hold their hand for too long. They never bother to offer it in the first place. When it's good, a woman shaking your hand should feel like a gift. I am allowing you into my world for now...but not too close. Women usually smile - it's disarming. A pretty smile, a soft doe-eyed look, an elusive handshake. You can visibly see men get flustered with this. They straighten their collar, they turn their feet out, their hips slip out of line with their torso, they bend at the waist. All a girl has to do is shake nice.

Of course there are counter-measures to the all powerful feminine shake. I recently had dinner with a salesman who was trying to get my husband to buy his stuff. In addition to his impeccable clothing and brilliantly warm smile he had a very disarming handshake. Instead of reaching out and taking my fingers gently (as most men do) he turned his palm up. Usually, when offering just the tips of ones fingers there is the fear that the other party will hold them far too tight and squeeze the fingers together - even hurt them. My Father is a finger-hurter. No matter what men usually have a hard time not squishing fingers, which I've noticed usually gives the point to the woman. However, this particular salesman by-passed this problem by essentially bringing to my fingers a resting place. With his palm cupped up, fingers curved towards him, my own slender fingers fit perfectly over his. He was able to add pressure from the bottom, but caress my own knuckles instead of smashing my digits. He could have almost kissed my hand. He might have been able to pull it off too (if we weren't in a bar), however most men can't do the hand kissing thing without coming off as really creepy. I don't recommend it.

Kissing or no, the shake was sensuous and completely non-threatening and non-creepy. He certainly put me off my guard by treating me like a woman instead of a pint-sized man. There was no posturing from the double-clasp...just a simple change of the wrist and suddenly he was my guide rather than my follower. It was brilliant.

Beyond the hand-cupping shake men can also gain the "upper hand" of a woman by employing their eyes as well. Men who aren't afraid to hold eye contact with a woman and continue to have their hand get equal ground. Notice I said "have their hand" not "hold" because the perfect way to deal with a feminine shake is to simply let the hand rest, touch, and be. No shaking up and down, no clutching or grasping...simply sharing I suppose. Also, the look is important. A few men I've met can carry off a rather imposing look that is more erotic than condescending. My husband can't pull it off, and most men who think of themselves as "Dominant" or "Alpha Males" are really bad at it. Usually it's the quite ones who can look down at a woman or man...and make knees shake. Whenever I see these looks employed I notice that other men will pull their hands away first and women will keep their hands there longer. This has got to be one of those cave-man left overs...whatever it is...thank god for those looks.

If one can't pull off the uber look, a good friendly disarming smile and crinkling eyes will do the trick. Women will feel flattered and men will feel at ease.

So maybe this isn't a great primer on the intricacies of handshakes. It's really just a mix of my opinions and the many images I see as I go through life. But boy do I love handshakes...and boy do I love trying to read stuff into them. They really make me wag my tail. (Which is a whole 'nother post entirely.)