Homefront Warriors

(Warning: Lots of controversial opinions that you'll probably disagree with.)

When Operation Iraqi Freedom started, my husband was already over there in the thick of it. When "Shock and Awe" started I was warned via a rare email

Don't watch the news!

I passed on the information to my in-laws. Apparently too late, my mother-in-law had already started worrying in her own little way. I spent a lot of time listening to her try and convince herself everything was fine for hours on end. It wasn't ever successful. She kept mentioning the USS Cole, bringing up the images of MOAB's detonating. I didn't have the heart to tell her that C. also took frequent hops in "Desert Duck" or helicopter.

During a few of our conversations my mother-in-law recounted what her son had told her before he left for bootcamp.

You know Mom, I wouldn't mind dying for my country.

It's a typical C. thing to say. No where in his selfish, pigheaded, teenage alpha male brain would it occur to him that the above statement is callous and frightening. He would not, even now with an adult brain, realize how terrifying those words sound to a woman who spent her whole life devoted to her one and only son. He's felt the pain of losing friends and family, but in typical C. fashion, it never registers that others would feel the same pain were he the one who was gone.

I know he still doesn't get it now at age 30 because last week he told me, casually, while we discussed some serious career moves:.

Going back to Iraq would be cool, I'd like to do that. If I die, I die.

This isn't the first time he's said things like this. He's always expressed the desire to be in the thick of the battles, to be the guy clearing the mines and checking the cars for bombs. A visit to Walter Reed recently shocked him as he walked to his appointment through halls of men and woman much younger than he who were missing arms, legs, and worse. He said going there was "hard" but then he added "I could do that."

Well yes, yes he could. But why? Why is he so gung-ho to put himself in the worst possible danger? Why is he so willing to give up those precious gifts we are only given once...our health, our families, our lives?

And he isn't the only one. During the preshow to a movie in Pensacola (a training area for the Navy) I heard a Marine my age say to his buddies "I'm thinking of failing this ********** training so I'll get put into infantry and can go over and shoot stuff."

I remarked on this snippet to the sailors I was with (three men) and they said "That's cool, wish I had thought of doing that when I went through **************** training."

I've tried to ask my husband "why" a few times, but all he's been able to say is "because it's cool." Or "it's fun." He doesn't say these things because he has a limited vocabulary (like most of the younger men who are interviewed now a days) or because he lacks the ability to voice his ideas and feelings. He's actually very eloquent. However, I think this want to put it all on the line comes from two places, and they are hard to reconcile with one another.

In the case of my husband I believe part of his desire comes from altruism. He wants to do something big to help the world. He believes in the cause, he knows what's trying to be accomplished, and he wants to help. He hears the horror stories and the bad news and he wants to fix it.

The other part of it though is the fact he wants to be a hero. I think all men want to be a hero. For some men the worship and dependence of their family is enough. I think he needs the acknowledgement of the whole world. And I believe he deserves it already. But, I think some people need the ticker tape parades and the knowledge they are part of something big in order to feel successful, fulfilled. It's a natural and society-inflicted need. But when paired with the need to be humble and self-sacrificing...it becomes ugly. And I think that's why people can't really say why they need to fight, why they need to risk their life. It's too complex to explain to someone who may never be able to understand. It's too hard to tell someone they love why they need to leave.

And it's even harder to be the loved one who needs to accept it.

I've started to think about this as the Cindy Sheehan story progresses. Of course there are unanswered questions about this war. I wonder about them myself. I have doubts, and fears, and I sometimes find it difficult to believe that the people at the top have a big plan they just can't tell us about. But at the same time, I don't think that knowing any of the details about the big political plan is going to help Cindy Sheehan. I don't think it would help me, or any of the thousands of people trying to cope with this conflict from the homefront. The fact of the matter is Cindy Sheehan doesn't want to know why any of the other men and women have died. She doesn't want an explanation for the pain of all the other families who are now helping their sons and daughters learn to walk with prosthetics or live with PTSD. She wants an answer for her son and her pain. And she has every right to be angry, sad and selfish. But even if the President answered her, even if he spent hours sitting down and talking to her, she would not get what she wanted.

The fact is the only person who knows why her son went over to Iraq and was willing to die for his country is her son. The one person she needs to ask is the one person who can't answer. He volunteered, he went, and it was something in him that made him do it despite knowing the potential consequences.

It pisses me off that she can't talk to her son anymore. It pisses me off that my husband wants to take his place.

And it really makes me sad that even if Cindy Sheehan knew why her son went over there, she might not be able to accept it. Because my husband is here, and I still can't.