Blog on Blog Action

I recently read an article about the blogging trend (and I'd post the link to the article but I forget where I read it...in fact I think it was actually in hardcopy *gasp gasp*) and how it's helping to bring back the lost art of journal writing.

Lost art? Who hasn't kept a journal before? You can't tell me that every girl and woman hasn't at some time had a little book where she wrote "Jess is soooo cute." a hundred times. And even if she managed to skip the Mrs. His Last Name phase if she read Harriet the Spy you know she kept a spy journal for at least a week!

And boys, if they read either Dear Mr. Hensaw (which I know they did if they grew up in the U.S. because they force you to in public schools) or watched Doogie Howser had to have tried it once or twice.

What blogs have done is made people want to keep it up. I've kept journals since I was seven. If you go back to read them it's much the same as hitting the "random" search on blogger. You'll find a little of everything.

There are the "This is what I did today" blogs, there are the "Themed" blogs, the "Opinion on Themes" blogs, the "Special time in my life" blogs, the "Dedicated to the one I love" blogs, the "Social observation" blogs and of course the "Rebel without a Cause" blogs.

Then you have blogs like mine...the "Trying to fill a whole" blog. It's like having an empty rubbermaid box and a miscellaneous pile of junk. You start by trying to organize the junk. Papers here, toys here, things in envelopes in it's own pile, till you realize that none of these things is anything like the other so why not just dump it all in the box, sit on the lid till it closes and shove it in the back of the closet.

Look Ma! I cleaned my room! And wrote a run-on sentence...all in one go.

My head is a lot like that pile of junk...there are a lot of ideas bumping around and they just keep piling. I would never bother to express these ideas while having conversations with real people. Honestly, there are very few people in my life that I can trust to just let it all out. I bite my tongue a lot, either because I know the other person won't understand, or care to understand, what I'm saying. Or they'll feel offended because I don't agree with them. Or because I know that pretty girls should have opinions. Or, you know, if you don't have anything nice to say...

Also, I'm shy. Oh I can talk your ear off on thousands of subjects but it takes awhile before I'll do it. I prefer to listen, hear all your opinions first, all your stories, then maybe I'll share a few of my own.

The one person I never had to be reserved with though was my husband. It didn't matter how stupid, how moody, how embarrassing, insightful, smart; I could tell him everything - anything. It was great. He's smarter than me, usually, so he challenged me - which I crave. He was open, so things he didn't know he'd be willing to learn about without feeling inadequate. He didn't mind debating for the sake of debate, nor did he mind if I played devil advocate for hours just for the heck of it. We both knew opinions can't be changed, but you can talk about new ideas.

If you're observant you'll notice that the previous paragraph was written in past tense: my husband is no longer my outlet. And being far away from my closest friends and family (thank you Navy) means that since my husband has resigned from his post of sounding board - I have no outlet. Besides this blog.

Everything on this blog is stuff I can't really talk about with other people. It's ideas I'll get from conversations that I know I can't say to the person I'm speaking with. Or it's things that you're "not supposed to talk about" but which I have too...or I'll go crazy. I'm literally at the point where if I have to keep anymore emotions or thoughts inside I'm going to explode. Everyone around me, including my husband, needs me to be a certain Katy. Happy Katy, Capable Katy, Together-Katy, Cheerleader Katy. I've been letting all those feelings out and keeping all the others in. There is no more room, I am full!

So why am I qualifying my eclectic style blog? Because I haven't posted in awhile, and I haven't posted because all the things I needed to say this week I've said. Save one, and that will be a post later on. This week I haven't had a lot of time to think at all, but when I did, I said it. And I feel good about it. I feel clean for some reason. I feel like I get to be me rather than what is projected onto me. It's been a freeing week.

So the blog suffers. That's actually a good thing.