As I'm sure you've noticed I posted a picture of the remarkably human-shaped body that arrived on our front porch via UPS just a few weeks ago.
Okay...a whole freaking month ago.
And then I dissapeared. Where could I have gone? Could it really have been a human cadaver, sent to my home as a warning from my old gang sisters that I better start representing or face my fate?
Perhaps it was my handsome, yet insane lover from Italy who after years of trying to go on without me finally sucumbed to despair and sent me his self-mutilated body as a testament to his strong, yet now dead, love.
Hasn't he ever heard of black roses! Sheesh.
Or possibly the package was really a wrestling dummy bought by my roommate in order to practice his half-nelsons and full-nelsons and nelson-mandelas and etc.
Really, the body packaged in black cloth that showed up on my front porch was my mail-ordered virgin sacrifice for the feast of the mother of the divine purple cow. She is a demanding goddess who will settle for nothing less than aged, yet untainted meat.
Sadly the real story behind the mystery body may never be known - to people who skim through blog posts at least - and I'm sure conjectures about why it showed up on my porch a month ago and why it caused my lengthy abscence from my beloved blog will continue to haunt the internet for ages to come.
It'll be bigger than Snakes on a Plane. I swear.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
UPS Delivers
A recent text message to my husband after checking the mail:
"There is a body on our porch."
"There is a body on our porch."
Thursday, September 21, 2006
I blog therefore I bore
I've discovered the real flaw in blogging. It comes from boredom.
Recently I was laid-off and forced to search all over the DC/MD area for a new position. During my search I came across many interesting and odd companies and offers, including a porn distributor who was looking for someone to replace his daughter and write scripts for films and an offer to write the notorious "Nigerian Banker" type letters.
Dear Sir, I'm a poor widow from a country you probably don't know exists...I have money to give you...
In addition to the job hunt I also had a few months of hanging around an empty office full of disgruntled and depressed employees and rather petrified and chicken-shit managers and HR reps.
It was a summer bursting with good blog posts. My life was odd, fluctuating and interesting.
So I decided not to blog.
Now that I'm in a new job, going to school, and spending most of my nights rushing home to cook dinner then crawling into bed by 9pm...I am fingering the blogging pen longingly.
And that's the real problem with blogging. We have plenty of time and willpower to blog when our lives are boring and mundane, but when something really interesting happens - when a life event that can be engaging and relatable from people all over the world comes up - we're too busy, you know, living it rather than writing about it.
Let's be honest. We read blog posts in order to find that one line or moment that reminds us of our own little life. Then we share it in comments. We're looking for something that makes us feel - we don't really care what the blog author feels, or even says. As long as we can find a way to relate ourselves to it. Or get something interesting and new out of it
And unfortunately when my life is new and interesting and fresh - I don't feel like sharing.
But you can have all my boredom you want.
Recently I was laid-off and forced to search all over the DC/MD area for a new position. During my search I came across many interesting and odd companies and offers, including a porn distributor who was looking for someone to replace his daughter and write scripts for films and an offer to write the notorious "Nigerian Banker" type letters.
Dear Sir, I'm a poor widow from a country you probably don't know exists...I have money to give you...
In addition to the job hunt I also had a few months of hanging around an empty office full of disgruntled and depressed employees and rather petrified and chicken-shit managers and HR reps.
It was a summer bursting with good blog posts. My life was odd, fluctuating and interesting.
So I decided not to blog.
Now that I'm in a new job, going to school, and spending most of my nights rushing home to cook dinner then crawling into bed by 9pm...I am fingering the blogging pen longingly.
And that's the real problem with blogging. We have plenty of time and willpower to blog when our lives are boring and mundane, but when something really interesting happens - when a life event that can be engaging and relatable from people all over the world comes up - we're too busy, you know, living it rather than writing about it.
Let's be honest. We read blog posts in order to find that one line or moment that reminds us of our own little life. Then we share it in comments. We're looking for something that makes us feel - we don't really care what the blog author feels, or even says. As long as we can find a way to relate ourselves to it. Or get something interesting and new out of it
And unfortunately when my life is new and interesting and fresh - I don't feel like sharing.
But you can have all my boredom you want.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Double Standard
Packed up the boss. Put his stuff in a box, wrapped up his dead animals in bubble-wrap, organized the "pile-o-crap" drawer and moved his office, furniture, boxes, dry erase boards a hundred miles away in less that an hour. All while he talked on the phone and complained that he wasn't suppose to be there.
"I'm sure gonna miss you!"
"Yeah, have fun in ********. I'll send your assistant my files separately."
"You've been really great. I don't know what I'll do without you" He put his arms out in either a good impression of Frankenstein or a gesture of familiarity. Don't corporate "whores" shake hands? Isn't there some unspoken rule about hugging assistants thirty years younger than you?
Nope...I got hugged.
"I'll think about you, take care of yourself. This is so sad."
"Yeah...okay." Am I gonna have to pat your back too?
And then it was over. Thank god. Until eight hours later when he called on the weekend. Something about a dog.
"Yeah. Yeah. I'll take care of it."
"Oh thanks sweetie!!!"
Sweetie? I've worked for this man for a year. Never has he called me sweetie. Now he's half-way to the new office, carrying with him a semi-felt hug of mine and he thinks it's okay to call me sweetie. It is not. It is most certainly not. I am not sweet. I am not cute and adorable. I am not made of honey. I'm made of starch, and white-out. That's all.
Today I called the other office and talked with my cube-buddy. My favorite guy. The guy who I picked on mercilessly waiting for him to cry uncle.
He never did. This is why he is my favorite guy.
We went a few rounds. I almost got teary-eyed thinking how far away he was and how unemployed I'm about to be.
"So pretty lady, what do you need from me?"
He thinks I'm pretty...
"Aw sweetie. I miss you. Wish you were here keeping me in line."
Hehe...he called me sweetie...I'm blushing.
"You're lucky I'm not."
"Oh I have no doubt. But I need someone to cut me down a few notches. I miss you honey."
He thinks I'm honey too.
To him I'm nice. In the only way I know how...I tease, torment and torture. And he loves me for it.
Which is why he can call me sweetie and boss can't.
This all makes perfect, sober, sense.
"I'm sure gonna miss you!"
"Yeah, have fun in ********. I'll send your assistant my files separately."
"You've been really great. I don't know what I'll do without you" He put his arms out in either a good impression of Frankenstein or a gesture of familiarity. Don't corporate "whores" shake hands? Isn't there some unspoken rule about hugging assistants thirty years younger than you?
Nope...I got hugged.
"I'll think about you, take care of yourself. This is so sad."
"Yeah...okay." Am I gonna have to pat your back too?
And then it was over. Thank god. Until eight hours later when he called on the weekend. Something about a dog.
"Yeah. Yeah. I'll take care of it."
"Oh thanks sweetie!!!"
Sweetie? I've worked for this man for a year. Never has he called me sweetie. Now he's half-way to the new office, carrying with him a semi-felt hug of mine and he thinks it's okay to call me sweetie. It is not. It is most certainly not. I am not sweet. I am not cute and adorable. I am not made of honey. I'm made of starch, and white-out. That's all.
Today I called the other office and talked with my cube-buddy. My favorite guy. The guy who I picked on mercilessly waiting for him to cry uncle.
He never did. This is why he is my favorite guy.
We went a few rounds. I almost got teary-eyed thinking how far away he was and how unemployed I'm about to be.
"So pretty lady, what do you need from me?"
He thinks I'm pretty...
"Aw sweetie. I miss you. Wish you were here keeping me in line."
Hehe...he called me sweetie...I'm blushing.
"You're lucky I'm not."
"Oh I have no doubt. But I need someone to cut me down a few notches. I miss you honey."
He thinks I'm honey too.
To him I'm nice. In the only way I know how...I tease, torment and torture. And he loves me for it.
Which is why he can call me sweetie and boss can't.
This all makes perfect, sober, sense.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Quotes you regret
When I was a lass I spent a lot of time being interviewed for things. Lots of volunteer projects, lots of fancy school commendations, lots of awards for theater and writing.
Having spent a lot of time talking with reporters (and unfortunately being the daughter of a well-known one) allowed me the chance to learn the hard way that you need to make sure you don't say something that can be edited down to the lowest denominator of dumb.
My biggest interview goof was a spot on television covering young local writers at a writing convention. In amongst my many comments on the lectures I mentioned that one of the speakers had mentioned that in modern writing "adjectives are useless."
Of course that's the one quote they kept in the whole spot.
However, I was 14 at the time. I'm often surprised that people my age now (ten years later) still come out with those kinds of quotes. Much less people far, far older than me, with much more experience - and in the New York Times.
My favorite from today's edition was found in the article Passing Down the Legacy of Conservatism:
"He [Donald Devine, lecturer and former head of government personnel in the Reagan Administration] lamented the prosecution of Kenneth Lay, the late Enron executive convicted of fraud, by asking, "Do you think it's possible for a rich person to get justice in the U.S. today?"
One can only hope that was taken out of context.
Having spent a lot of time talking with reporters (and unfortunately being the daughter of a well-known one) allowed me the chance to learn the hard way that you need to make sure you don't say something that can be edited down to the lowest denominator of dumb.
My biggest interview goof was a spot on television covering young local writers at a writing convention. In amongst my many comments on the lectures I mentioned that one of the speakers had mentioned that in modern writing "adjectives are useless."
Of course that's the one quote they kept in the whole spot.
However, I was 14 at the time. I'm often surprised that people my age now (ten years later) still come out with those kinds of quotes. Much less people far, far older than me, with much more experience - and in the New York Times.
My favorite from today's edition was found in the article Passing Down the Legacy of Conservatism:
"He [Donald Devine, lecturer and former head of government personnel in the Reagan Administration] lamented the prosecution of Kenneth Lay, the late Enron executive convicted of fraud, by asking, "Do you think it's possible for a rich person to get justice in the U.S. today?"
One can only hope that was taken out of context.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Philosophy
Perhaps it's age, or it could be residue from "The Navy", maybe it's that marriage thing; regardless - you start to forget. You forget you existed anywhere other than where you are. Oh you remember where you were. Tiny apartment in San Diego, tiny scrap of corner in New York, strange smelling hotel rooms, long car trips, long flights. You can remember running around in your underwear down 5th street and getting drunk night after night at McGuire's. But do you really remember where you started?
I forget. And then someone from a past life finds their way in - or I find them. Emails from the blue, sparks of recognition, vague memories long since fogged over by...
Hmm by what?
Probably that 20th beer at McGuires to be honest.
People my age tend to complain a lot about not getting enough information about people from high school and college. I wouldn't know. I don't keep in touch with people. I guess that's not true. There are people I've emailed monthly for years and years. But they are the people who aren't interested in passing on "Christmas Card" letters. We don't talk about what we've been doing or where we're going. We exchange fantasy lives, stories, pieces of our imagination that needs to be let out - "Today I killed a bug, let me expound on the subject of insect-cide for five paragraphs"
I like that. Screw exposition and openings and closings. Free exchange of ideas...puzzling paragraphs to chew on. I talk with these people all the time...I have no idea what the hell they are doing with their life.
And then you go and get crazy and start looking up the names you can remember from high school on MySpace. It's weird, looking at profiles of people you used to know. You know you used to know them, but now they have new friends and have cut their hair. Now they have new inside jokes with their roommates and boyfriends. It feels like they've become famous. And you can jump up and down and say "I knew them when!"
Of course they aren't famous (well some of them are) but it's because someone else has claimed them as a friend...and they aren't in the circle. The outer world has invaded my memories - foggy as they are - and now what I owned is public property. This girl who for years after high school was mine, my memory, my idea, my revisionism. And she went ahead and kept living...cut her hair...grew up.
It's surreal. Which is real, which is true? My memory of us trading juice boxes or her newest blog post about the lawn service?
See, it's easier just to forget. I didn't exist before, I just am. Here I sit, in my little space, and here I always was. At least I know that's real.
I forget. And then someone from a past life finds their way in - or I find them. Emails from the blue, sparks of recognition, vague memories long since fogged over by...
Hmm by what?
Probably that 20th beer at McGuires to be honest.
People my age tend to complain a lot about not getting enough information about people from high school and college. I wouldn't know. I don't keep in touch with people. I guess that's not true. There are people I've emailed monthly for years and years. But they are the people who aren't interested in passing on "Christmas Card" letters. We don't talk about what we've been doing or where we're going. We exchange fantasy lives, stories, pieces of our imagination that needs to be let out - "Today I killed a bug, let me expound on the subject of insect-cide for five paragraphs"
I like that. Screw exposition and openings and closings. Free exchange of ideas...puzzling paragraphs to chew on. I talk with these people all the time...I have no idea what the hell they are doing with their life.
And then you go and get crazy and start looking up the names you can remember from high school on MySpace. It's weird, looking at profiles of people you used to know. You know you used to know them, but now they have new friends and have cut their hair. Now they have new inside jokes with their roommates and boyfriends. It feels like they've become famous. And you can jump up and down and say "I knew them when!"
Of course they aren't famous (well some of them are) but it's because someone else has claimed them as a friend...and they aren't in the circle. The outer world has invaded my memories - foggy as they are - and now what I owned is public property. This girl who for years after high school was mine, my memory, my idea, my revisionism. And she went ahead and kept living...cut her hair...grew up.
It's surreal. Which is real, which is true? My memory of us trading juice boxes or her newest blog post about the lawn service?
See, it's easier just to forget. I didn't exist before, I just am. Here I sit, in my little space, and here I always was. At least I know that's real.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
StatCounter
And now for another installment of "How did you get here?"
I just did a quick gander at my StatCounter "Came From" stats again - nothing incredibly strange this time. But it's odd that I've been popping out a lot of mundane posts about shopping and home life and somehow google seems to think I am a pornstar.
Search Query's that led here:
Google UK Search for "Big Boobs" (Well, we already know what I think about those
More UK people searching for "Orange Cichlid" (Mine was named Pumpkin and she died last August.)
Blogger Search for "Women looking for men who score" (Everyone loves a winner.)
Google Blog Search for "Bra" (Not weird, but seriously...you were looking for blog posts about bras?)
Also blog searches for "Big Bra" and "My boobs have grown." (And I thought I was the only one who worried about this stuff.)
Google for "Hair Scissors Snip"
Blogger search for "Sexy high school girlie" AND "drunk out girls" (You are very, very dirty.)
Google for "Britishisms Bloody Fag" (Because bleeding over cigarettes is a big problem.)
Google again for "Hands grow bigger" (Which would be helpful, considering I now have more than a handful.)
Google again for "Writing a letter to your xboss after a long time" (My mother always told me that if you didn't have anything nice to say...say it in the car when your husband can't hear.)
Great one from Google on "I had a penis, I was a man"
Blogger search for "Tattoo Katy" (I got nothing...)
More UK Google for "Merekats sales" (I wouldn't...they make horrible salesmen...and they keep digging holes in the carpet.)
Blogger again on "Show me sexy girls" followed by a Blogger search for "Bad girls" (Yes I am, so spank me :P)
And finally, to link the bottom of this post to the top a Google search for "Pornstar"
Guess I really am more interesting than I thought...
Hmph.
I just did a quick gander at my StatCounter "Came From" stats again - nothing incredibly strange this time. But it's odd that I've been popping out a lot of mundane posts about shopping and home life and somehow google seems to think I am a pornstar.
Search Query's that led here:
Google UK Search for "Big Boobs" (Well, we already know what I think about those
More UK people searching for "Orange Cichlid" (Mine was named Pumpkin and she died last August.)
Blogger Search for "Women looking for men who score" (Everyone loves a winner.)
Google Blog Search for "Bra" (Not weird, but seriously...you were looking for blog posts about bras?)
Also blog searches for "Big Bra" and "My boobs have grown." (And I thought I was the only one who worried about this stuff.)
Google for "Hair Scissors Snip"
Blogger search for "Sexy high school girlie" AND "drunk out girls" (You are very, very dirty.)
Google for "Britishisms Bloody Fag" (Because bleeding over cigarettes is a big problem.)
Google again for "Hands grow bigger" (Which would be helpful, considering I now have more than a handful.)
Google again for "Writing a letter to your xboss after a long time" (My mother always told me that if you didn't have anything nice to say...say it in the car when your husband can't hear.)
Great one from Google on "I had a penis, I was a man"
Blogger search for "Tattoo Katy" (I got nothing...)
More UK Google for "Merekats sales" (I wouldn't...they make horrible salesmen...and they keep digging holes in the carpet.)
Blogger again on "Show me sexy girls" followed by a Blogger search for "Bad girls" (Yes I am, so spank me :P)
And finally, to link the bottom of this post to the top a Google search for "Pornstar"
Guess I really am more interesting than I thought...
Hmph.
Monday, July 17, 2006
This post sucks
"Like with all fieldtrips, we ended up being there about an hour too long." I summed up after detailing my weekend activities to Cary (not her real name - thank you) at work.
"You always do interesting things." She said. "My whole story was about the dogs fighting and reading a book."
"Sounds like a good weekend to me. You're plan was to relax."
"Yeah, but you guys always do something different and exciting. I'd never think to do that."
This statement isn't all that new to me. Before the great purging of our office our weekend update pow-wow's were more than just two women, and usually at the end of it my stories were met with shock and a little admiration. However, it was mostly women who were decades older than me and had children my age. Me being prone to indulge in some stereo-types when it fits my mood expect older suburban Marylanders to have boring weekends.
But Cary is 27 and single and drop-dead gorgeous. She's one of those girls I tend to fantasize about being. The perfect blonde who kept her looks and her popularity long after high school. Followed the straight and narrow, has a college degree and you know a job despite layoffs.
And she thinks my life is exciting. After I detailed a bus trip where we went around Pennsylvania drinking beer. Good beer, but still. It was beer on a bus, that's all.
It's odd feeling like I am somehow the bad girl amongst my fellow East Coasters. Growing up on a little island, with a father everyone knew, I rarely got into trouble. Actually I never got into trouble. During my prom I was invited to the infamous "after-party". But my date was gay and we both had to wake up early the next morning to do a mime show (I kid you not). Now as an adult a typical night for me is still staying home and watching t.v. Or playing on the internet. I do get drunk in public often. Usually the drunk in public thing is followed by flirting. That's about it. Oh, and dirty jokes, and swearing. But all and all it's tame. I'm really a pretty normal good girl.
Debauchery is such a word that deserves a little more...sin. Wild parties where you drink unidentifiable liquid in opaque cups and take unidentifiable pills from the sleazy guy with the silk shirt. Go home with an equally unidentifiable man or woman (or both) and wake up blissfully ignorant of why there is a picture of Hecate painted in red nail polish on your wall. That's debauchery. That's interesting. A story about how you found your underwear in the back of a white hummer limousine - now that's exciting.
Not a Thursday night spent at the pub.
So my status as the Bettie Page is completely unwarranted. I not only feel bored, I feel boring. My stripper exercise classes and my yoga just feel like normal things to me. Even dare I say a bit fad-ish. It smacks of suburban boringness dressed up. Like a housewife wearing heels. Ain't nothing to write home about.
Or write in a blog about.
Except that somehow all my friends tend to want to live vicariously through me. They want to hear all my dumb little stories. I guess when all their stories are about how they took out the garbage a day early and the racoon got it, my story about how we watched a spontaneous Argentine parade after the World Cup game seems somehow cool. At least to them.
Cary, who I secretly envy, envies me. And I think I'm boring. I think she's boring too, but at least she's blonde and boring.
Are my expectations too high or are the communities expectations too low? Do I just live in a boring place where anything out of the ordinary is strange and exciting or am I really the bad girl I've secretly always wanted to be?
Does this post sound too much like Sex and the City?
Maybe, instead of me actually being interesting and intriguing I'm the ordinary girl who is pegged as different because I am quiet and have red curly hair. Will the admiration and compliments slowly wear off and eventually turn into mob cries of "Burn the Witch!"?
At least then I'll have a really exciting story.
"You always do interesting things." She said. "My whole story was about the dogs fighting and reading a book."
"Sounds like a good weekend to me. You're plan was to relax."
"Yeah, but you guys always do something different and exciting. I'd never think to do that."
This statement isn't all that new to me. Before the great purging of our office our weekend update pow-wow's were more than just two women, and usually at the end of it my stories were met with shock and a little admiration. However, it was mostly women who were decades older than me and had children my age. Me being prone to indulge in some stereo-types when it fits my mood expect older suburban Marylanders to have boring weekends.
But Cary is 27 and single and drop-dead gorgeous. She's one of those girls I tend to fantasize about being. The perfect blonde who kept her looks and her popularity long after high school. Followed the straight and narrow, has a college degree and you know a job despite layoffs.
And she thinks my life is exciting. After I detailed a bus trip where we went around Pennsylvania drinking beer. Good beer, but still. It was beer on a bus, that's all.
It's odd feeling like I am somehow the bad girl amongst my fellow East Coasters. Growing up on a little island, with a father everyone knew, I rarely got into trouble. Actually I never got into trouble. During my prom I was invited to the infamous "after-party". But my date was gay and we both had to wake up early the next morning to do a mime show (I kid you not). Now as an adult a typical night for me is still staying home and watching t.v. Or playing on the internet. I do get drunk in public often. Usually the drunk in public thing is followed by flirting. That's about it. Oh, and dirty jokes, and swearing. But all and all it's tame. I'm really a pretty normal good girl.
Debauchery is such a word that deserves a little more...sin. Wild parties where you drink unidentifiable liquid in opaque cups and take unidentifiable pills from the sleazy guy with the silk shirt. Go home with an equally unidentifiable man or woman (or both) and wake up blissfully ignorant of why there is a picture of Hecate painted in red nail polish on your wall. That's debauchery. That's interesting. A story about how you found your underwear in the back of a white hummer limousine - now that's exciting.
Not a Thursday night spent at the pub.
So my status as the Bettie Page is completely unwarranted. I not only feel bored, I feel boring. My stripper exercise classes and my yoga just feel like normal things to me. Even dare I say a bit fad-ish. It smacks of suburban boringness dressed up. Like a housewife wearing heels. Ain't nothing to write home about.
Or write in a blog about.
Except that somehow all my friends tend to want to live vicariously through me. They want to hear all my dumb little stories. I guess when all their stories are about how they took out the garbage a day early and the racoon got it, my story about how we watched a spontaneous Argentine parade after the World Cup game seems somehow cool. At least to them.
Cary, who I secretly envy, envies me. And I think I'm boring. I think she's boring too, but at least she's blonde and boring.
Are my expectations too high or are the communities expectations too low? Do I just live in a boring place where anything out of the ordinary is strange and exciting or am I really the bad girl I've secretly always wanted to be?
Does this post sound too much like Sex and the City?
Maybe, instead of me actually being interesting and intriguing I'm the ordinary girl who is pegged as different because I am quiet and have red curly hair. Will the admiration and compliments slowly wear off and eventually turn into mob cries of "Burn the Witch!"?
At least then I'll have a really exciting story.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Mutant
I guess I should have seen it coming. There were plenty of signs. The way my bras were digging into my skin. The strange indentations on my chest at the end of the day. The bad looks I got at the gym. I know those looks. I've given them before. That look that oozes venom. The pointed stare at the bouncing girls that just screams disgust. It's like being in high school...only worse.
But I couldn't help it - I thought - I'm trying to run.
Of course the kicker should have been when my friend yelled in the middle of the office "How do you fit those watermelons in a size small?!?!"
Regardless, I didn't pick up on the signals. I didn't listen to the murmurs (though apparently it was quite the topic among the men) and I didn't see the stares. So when I walked into Victoria Secret I wasn't prepared.
I was in a strange mood for Katy. I wanted to go shopping. I felt like looking at stuff and trying things on. This is rare and it was exciting to go off on my own and indulge in pure girly-ness. Victoria Secret is my favorite. It smells good in there and everything feels nice. I like running around and coo-ing over the latest cute set. The fun and flirty thongs. The new corsets. I like being in a store that screams curves and sexy and flirt. I flutter from rack to rack, looking at the mannequins and drooling over the lace and sequins. FUN!
I went in armed with push-ups and push-togethers. Side straps and tube straps. Convertibles, invisibles, demi, full. Silky, lacy, skin. I had my favorites picked out and was ready to finally face the mirror - sure that one of them would give me the exact shape I like. Round, but perky. And all in a size 36C.
But something was wrong. For some reason instead of round I was getting slightly oblong. Instead of full and perky, my breasts looked strangled. Smushed. Like they were trying to escape.
No girls, we have to wear a bra...it's the 21st century...we can't get away with that free-hanging stuff anymore.
But try as I might. Adjusting and pulling and prodding, they would not stay in the cup. Help!
I bit my lip as the very tiny girl measured me. It'll be okay I thought. So what if I've gained an inch or two. I'll get a few 38's and then hit the row-machine. Back to 36 in no time. It's perfectly normal to grow a little.
"36!" She counted the inches. "Oh but you definitely need to be in a D cup."
"A what cup?"
"You're definitely a D. Want to try something with a little more support?" She asked helpfully. I personally think she sounded a little too cheery.
I tried it on anyway. It fit. It was perfect in fact. Full, round, comfortable. And big. Seriously...all I could see were the twins. Nothing else. I ceased to have a body or a head, I was just a inconsequential transport for two big boobs. I felt like a boob.
But I was game. I went out looking for all those cute things I liked before in my new size. I mean why not? Everyone wants big breasts right? Plastic surgeons make millions every year by giving women larger sizes. I got mine naturally. I'm lucky right?
I was until I noticed that I couldn't find D's in any of the styles I liked. No bra-tops in D's. No Ipex, no second skin.
"Do you need some help finding something?" "Oh, you have to look in the drawers for that size." The drawers? Previously the drawers in Victoria Secret were only needed to find the odd colors. Like passion-berry and hot-green. I didn't need a hot-green bra. Not that I wouldn't mind it. But still...it's hot green.
"Right, we don't have D's in this style. Are you sure you want a demi?" "So which color did you need...flesh or black?" I looked around. Everywhere the mannequins were covered in fun colors and flirty lace. Pink and red and purple. Colors I love. Colors I like to put on under boring work clothes and know to myself that I am wearing a purple and pink lace bra underneath...and it's my little secret. Then I looked at the small drawer of D's...in styles I used to see my mother wear...and colors that were as boring as my husbands underwear.
It was all I could do not to burst into tears.
Overdramatic? Maybe. But this idea that society puts pressure on women to be big-breasted is a bunch of bullshit. Show me the store where the mannequins are a full C-cup? Show me where in the mall a woman with full breasts and full hips can by a t-shirt that doesn't stretch to bursting over her boobs. Show me the non-maternity wear dresses that don't either smush or bunch over a round front. Show me all that and I'll show you a bridge I have for sale.
Gone are the fun colors and the flirty sets. Gone are the cute t-shirts and fun tops. Gone gone gone.
But I have plenty of breast to spare.
But I couldn't help it - I thought - I'm trying to run.
Of course the kicker should have been when my friend yelled in the middle of the office "How do you fit those watermelons in a size small?!?!"
Regardless, I didn't pick up on the signals. I didn't listen to the murmurs (though apparently it was quite the topic among the men) and I didn't see the stares. So when I walked into Victoria Secret I wasn't prepared.
I was in a strange mood for Katy. I wanted to go shopping. I felt like looking at stuff and trying things on. This is rare and it was exciting to go off on my own and indulge in pure girly-ness. Victoria Secret is my favorite. It smells good in there and everything feels nice. I like running around and coo-ing over the latest cute set. The fun and flirty thongs. The new corsets. I like being in a store that screams curves and sexy and flirt. I flutter from rack to rack, looking at the mannequins and drooling over the lace and sequins. FUN!
I went in armed with push-ups and push-togethers. Side straps and tube straps. Convertibles, invisibles, demi, full. Silky, lacy, skin. I had my favorites picked out and was ready to finally face the mirror - sure that one of them would give me the exact shape I like. Round, but perky. And all in a size 36C.
But something was wrong. For some reason instead of round I was getting slightly oblong. Instead of full and perky, my breasts looked strangled. Smushed. Like they were trying to escape.
No girls, we have to wear a bra...it's the 21st century...we can't get away with that free-hanging stuff anymore.
But try as I might. Adjusting and pulling and prodding, they would not stay in the cup. Help!
I bit my lip as the very tiny girl measured me. It'll be okay I thought. So what if I've gained an inch or two. I'll get a few 38's and then hit the row-machine. Back to 36 in no time. It's perfectly normal to grow a little.
"36!" She counted the inches. "Oh but you definitely need to be in a D cup."
"A what cup?"
"You're definitely a D. Want to try something with a little more support?" She asked helpfully. I personally think she sounded a little too cheery.
I tried it on anyway. It fit. It was perfect in fact. Full, round, comfortable. And big. Seriously...all I could see were the twins. Nothing else. I ceased to have a body or a head, I was just a inconsequential transport for two big boobs. I felt like a boob.
But I was game. I went out looking for all those cute things I liked before in my new size. I mean why not? Everyone wants big breasts right? Plastic surgeons make millions every year by giving women larger sizes. I got mine naturally. I'm lucky right?
I was until I noticed that I couldn't find D's in any of the styles I liked. No bra-tops in D's. No Ipex, no second skin.
"Do you need some help finding something?" "Oh, you have to look in the drawers for that size." The drawers? Previously the drawers in Victoria Secret were only needed to find the odd colors. Like passion-berry and hot-green. I didn't need a hot-green bra. Not that I wouldn't mind it. But still...it's hot green.
"Right, we don't have D's in this style. Are you sure you want a demi?" "So which color did you need...flesh or black?" I looked around. Everywhere the mannequins were covered in fun colors and flirty lace. Pink and red and purple. Colors I love. Colors I like to put on under boring work clothes and know to myself that I am wearing a purple and pink lace bra underneath...and it's my little secret. Then I looked at the small drawer of D's...in styles I used to see my mother wear...and colors that were as boring as my husbands underwear.
It was all I could do not to burst into tears.
Overdramatic? Maybe. But this idea that society puts pressure on women to be big-breasted is a bunch of bullshit. Show me the store where the mannequins are a full C-cup? Show me where in the mall a woman with full breasts and full hips can by a t-shirt that doesn't stretch to bursting over her boobs. Show me the non-maternity wear dresses that don't either smush or bunch over a round front. Show me all that and I'll show you a bridge I have for sale.
Gone are the fun colors and the flirty sets. Gone are the cute t-shirts and fun tops. Gone gone gone.
But I have plenty of breast to spare.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
The Importance of Being Egotistic
Today I found myself stuck watching some morning "news" show while I waited in the lobby of my car dealer. The claim of the rental car girl that "They're bringing a lot of cars around front right now, " was slowly turning into "They're bringing a lot of cars around front sometime before noon." So I was sitting and dividing my time between Miss Mary Sunshine and her semi-attractive middle-aged co-star and the toy model of a BMW X5.
Some guy with a newspaper of some sort was watching with me, and snorting in derision while Mary talked about some potbelly pigs somewhere in Chicago.
"They really don't have a lot of news do they?" The woman who was sitting opposite newspaper guy said.
"I'm waiting for them to start talking about what's really important!" Newspaper guy cried. "This here will be the end of oil in America, they're taxing terrorists..." I only heard about half of his blather, I was too busy trying to crane my neck far enough to see the headline on his rag. And it was a rag...it even had glossy paper...no newsprint in sight.
This is about the time I started dividing my attention between the toy X5, the potbelly pigs, and my new found need to classify reading material by their actual material. It's not really and newspaper unless it leaves dirty black ink all over your hands and is too cumbersome to read comfortably. Somehow my own personal fantasy about newspapers and the mess they make took enough time that I found myself suddenly alone with Newspaper guy in the lobby.
He looked at me. I stared at the pigs. He looked at me again. I glared at the pigs. He scooted closer to me.
I moved my purse to sit between us.
He got the message and moved back to his other chair.
Then he looked at me some more. "You're not really watching this are you?"
"Nope, they're just pigs."
He nodded and mumbled about needing to see the "real" news. He kept on about the end of oil in America and terrorists. His snorts were much louder and somehow much more pompous now that he was in control of the fancy remote control. He waved the news-thing around to make a point about how American news doesn't talk about the real important stuff. I caught stuff like "ignorant" and "biased" and "monkey" Meanwhile I watched to see what he thought was real news. CNN? Fox? MSNBC? CSPAN? Was he conservative? Liberal? Libertarian? Did he want world news or domestic? Was he a pure story guy or someone who only watched analysts? Did he enjoy John Stewart?
Probably not, he was wearing a polo shirt after all.
Instead he stopped on a channel with old pictures of Britney Spears dancing in various states of undress.
Which is obviously more important than the end of oil in America and terrorism put together. And way real.
Some guy with a newspaper of some sort was watching with me, and snorting in derision while Mary talked about some potbelly pigs somewhere in Chicago.
"They really don't have a lot of news do they?" The woman who was sitting opposite newspaper guy said.
"I'm waiting for them to start talking about what's really important!" Newspaper guy cried. "This here will be the end of oil in America, they're taxing terrorists..." I only heard about half of his blather, I was too busy trying to crane my neck far enough to see the headline on his rag. And it was a rag...it even had glossy paper...no newsprint in sight.
This is about the time I started dividing my attention between the toy X5, the potbelly pigs, and my new found need to classify reading material by their actual material. It's not really and newspaper unless it leaves dirty black ink all over your hands and is too cumbersome to read comfortably. Somehow my own personal fantasy about newspapers and the mess they make took enough time that I found myself suddenly alone with Newspaper guy in the lobby.
He looked at me. I stared at the pigs. He looked at me again. I glared at the pigs. He scooted closer to me.
I moved my purse to sit between us.
He got the message and moved back to his other chair.
Then he looked at me some more. "You're not really watching this are you?"
"Nope, they're just pigs."
He nodded and mumbled about needing to see the "real" news. He kept on about the end of oil in America and terrorists. His snorts were much louder and somehow much more pompous now that he was in control of the fancy remote control. He waved the news-thing around to make a point about how American news doesn't talk about the real important stuff. I caught stuff like "ignorant" and "biased" and "monkey" Meanwhile I watched to see what he thought was real news. CNN? Fox? MSNBC? CSPAN? Was he conservative? Liberal? Libertarian? Did he want world news or domestic? Was he a pure story guy or someone who only watched analysts? Did he enjoy John Stewart?
Probably not, he was wearing a polo shirt after all.
Instead he stopped on a channel with old pictures of Britney Spears dancing in various states of undress.
Which is obviously more important than the end of oil in America and terrorism put together. And way real.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Related
So with Independence Day once more upon us here in the U.S.A. there have of course been a plethora of documentaries, movies, plays and books about our Revolution and our Founding Fathers.
I love these stories. I get chills thinking about the rag-tag group of soldiers sitting in the cold, hungry, tired, defeated - listening to the words of Thomas Paine and Common Sense before they fight the dreaded Red Coats again. I always feel my shoulders rise a little straighter and my skin prickle when I hear the words of Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Patrick Henry repeated over and over.
And of course:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Wow. Just wow. Maybe it's the way I was raised, or the things I've seen and people I've met growing up. No matter. Those words still cut straight to my heart.
This year, though, I've been struck with an whole different idea.
These men were the Founding Fathers.
These men were my Founding Fathers.
It is a humbling and strangely uplifting thought to know that more than 200 years ago a few men risked their lives to create a country that one day would afford me so many things that so many people around the world do not have.
These men didn't just give life to a new country with new ideals, they gave birth to a new kind of person. Great people who've followed of course. People who changed the world. But people like me too. And people like my husband. And that's something. Because maybe we aren't changing the world in a single deed, or even a single lifetime. But if I've learned anything from my family and ancestors, it's that it's not the huge things that matter - it's the footprints we leave.
Our Founding Fathers left a lot of footprints to follow. And a lot of room for us to find our own path. They are big shoes to fill. But the cool thing I realize now is that the shoes aren't meant to be filled by one or two men. But by all of us. Because we're Americans, linked inexplicably to heroes from centuries ago by a simple pledge, declaration, of allegiance. I'm in a way related to Thomas Jefferson and John Hancock.
And in that way I'm also related to anyone who believes themselves an American. Being American isn't about blood or heritage or parentage. It's about allegiance, in any form, to the same ideas that were put forth in the Declaration of Independence and The Constitution.
And that's a really awesome feeling.
I love these stories. I get chills thinking about the rag-tag group of soldiers sitting in the cold, hungry, tired, defeated - listening to the words of Thomas Paine and Common Sense before they fight the dreaded Red Coats again. I always feel my shoulders rise a little straighter and my skin prickle when I hear the words of Benjamin Franklin, John Adams, and Patrick Henry repeated over and over.
And of course:
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.
Wow. Just wow. Maybe it's the way I was raised, or the things I've seen and people I've met growing up. No matter. Those words still cut straight to my heart.
This year, though, I've been struck with an whole different idea.
These men were the Founding Fathers.
These men were my Founding Fathers.
It is a humbling and strangely uplifting thought to know that more than 200 years ago a few men risked their lives to create a country that one day would afford me so many things that so many people around the world do not have.
These men didn't just give life to a new country with new ideals, they gave birth to a new kind of person. Great people who've followed of course. People who changed the world. But people like me too. And people like my husband. And that's something. Because maybe we aren't changing the world in a single deed, or even a single lifetime. But if I've learned anything from my family and ancestors, it's that it's not the huge things that matter - it's the footprints we leave.
Our Founding Fathers left a lot of footprints to follow. And a lot of room for us to find our own path. They are big shoes to fill. But the cool thing I realize now is that the shoes aren't meant to be filled by one or two men. But by all of us. Because we're Americans, linked inexplicably to heroes from centuries ago by a simple pledge, declaration, of allegiance. I'm in a way related to Thomas Jefferson and John Hancock.
And in that way I'm also related to anyone who believes themselves an American. Being American isn't about blood or heritage or parentage. It's about allegiance, in any form, to the same ideas that were put forth in the Declaration of Independence and The Constitution.
And that's a really awesome feeling.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Ramblings - Practice Roadtrip
This weekend, for the first time since we've lived in Maryland (almost 2.5 years), my husband and I had Maryland crabs that were not in "cake" form.
And we only had to drive to Virginia to do it.
Well okay, we weren't in Virginia. But we were pretty darn close. We were in that strange Bermuda-triangle-esque area called "Delmarva". A wrong turn in any direction would have taken us to either Delaware or Virginia. Through the 12 gallons of gas and over 300 miles of driving I wondered how they came up with the name Delmarva. Why that order? Why not Mardelva? Vadelmar? Delvamar? Mary Delva? Vir Delma? Why Delmarva? And why is Virginia recognized by it's two letter code but Delaware and Maryland have to have three letters? Why couldn't we just use one letter for each and keep it far.
"Yo. What's up? I'm hailing from the DMV yo."
Ooooooh....that's why it's called Delmarva...
Regardless. We went there. We went in search of ponies. Which we found on Assategue Island. We saw five ponies, seven deer, one bunny and three doves. As well a hawk that I saw while were driving there. It's a comfort to know that there is someone else in the world who goes as crazy happy over seeing bunnies and ponies as I do. Or he's good at pretending he does. While other people will simply shrug when they see a squirrel climbing up the tree, I can feel comfortable knowing that not only will my husband not think I'm nuts for pointing out the little boing-boing squirrel.
We're a good match. And now I have proof that we are a good match in the form of our new digital camera - with 12 pictures of ducks being ducky, 7 pictures of bunnies hopping away, 4 pictures of squirrels, 7 more of a swan and a whopping 27 pictures of a flock of Geese eating sunflower seeds. All coupled with 2 pictures of me looking at squirrels, 2 of me looking at the swan, 3 of me talking to the bunny.
This is what we are preserving for our posterity. "And this little C. and little K. is when your Father and I stood in the park and quacked at the ducks. Here you can see your Father doing the duck-dance."
Yes, as far as mini-roadtrips go this one was fairly successful. A few animals, a tank of gas, and only one semi-temper tantrum halfway through. (His, not mine.) Which all ended in the elusive Maryland steamed crabs.
I made my crabs talk and do a cure puppet show. Then proceeded to split their head open and scoop out their guts. We both got very good at making lots of noise with the mallets. Any food that comes with a hammer is good food.
And we only had to drive to Virginia to do it.
Well okay, we weren't in Virginia. But we were pretty darn close. We were in that strange Bermuda-triangle-esque area called "Delmarva". A wrong turn in any direction would have taken us to either Delaware or Virginia. Through the 12 gallons of gas and over 300 miles of driving I wondered how they came up with the name Delmarva. Why that order? Why not Mardelva? Vadelmar? Delvamar? Mary Delva? Vir Delma? Why Delmarva? And why is Virginia recognized by it's two letter code but Delaware and Maryland have to have three letters? Why couldn't we just use one letter for each and keep it far.
"Yo. What's up? I'm hailing from the DMV yo."
Ooooooh....that's why it's called Delmarva...
Regardless. We went there. We went in search of ponies. Which we found on Assategue Island. We saw five ponies, seven deer, one bunny and three doves. As well a hawk that I saw while were driving there. It's a comfort to know that there is someone else in the world who goes as crazy happy over seeing bunnies and ponies as I do. Or he's good at pretending he does. While other people will simply shrug when they see a squirrel climbing up the tree, I can feel comfortable knowing that not only will my husband not think I'm nuts for pointing out the little boing-boing squirrel.
We're a good match. And now I have proof that we are a good match in the form of our new digital camera - with 12 pictures of ducks being ducky, 7 pictures of bunnies hopping away, 4 pictures of squirrels, 7 more of a swan and a whopping 27 pictures of a flock of Geese eating sunflower seeds. All coupled with 2 pictures of me looking at squirrels, 2 of me looking at the swan, 3 of me talking to the bunny.
This is what we are preserving for our posterity. "And this little C. and little K. is when your Father and I stood in the park and quacked at the ducks. Here you can see your Father doing the duck-dance."
Yes, as far as mini-roadtrips go this one was fairly successful. A few animals, a tank of gas, and only one semi-temper tantrum halfway through. (His, not mine.) Which all ended in the elusive Maryland steamed crabs.
I made my crabs talk and do a cure puppet show. Then proceeded to split their head open and scoop out their guts. We both got very good at making lots of noise with the mallets. Any food that comes with a hammer is good food.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Giggle
Right now I'm reading "A Popular Schoolgirl" by Angela Brazil. It's fun, I can't help but burst into a fit of schoolgirl giggles myself when I read it. It's so bubbly and cute and british.
It's topping - oops - there I go again *insert giggles here*
But on top of all the giggle-inducing phrases like 'right-o', 'topping', 'chuffed' and the like there are also a few situations that you can't help but smile at. For instance:
"You ought to help me with my exercises, though, Ingred," she wheedled. "Remember, it's for the benefit of the form. If you let me make mistakes, well--it's the form that will suffer. You can't call it _my_fault, it's on your own head. You know as well as I do that I simply can't spell, and it takes me hours to hunt up words in the dictionary. I'm looking for 'phenomenon' now."
"You certainly won't find it in the F's," laughed Ingred. "What an infant in arms you are! Here, then, go ahead, and I'll act as dictionary. You've only written half a page yet. You'll be a week of
Sundays at this rate."
"And I haven't touched my Latin or French!" sighed Fil dismally. "I wish I could go to a school where there isn't any homework, and that somebody would invent a typewriter that would just spell the words ready-made when you press a button."
"There's a fortune waiting for the man who does!" agreed Ingred. "'The Royal-Road-to-Learning Typewriter: spells of itself.' It would sell by the million, I should think."
Indeed!
It's topping - oops - there I go again *insert giggles here*
But on top of all the giggle-inducing phrases like 'right-o', 'topping', 'chuffed' and the like there are also a few situations that you can't help but smile at. For instance:
"You ought to help me with my exercises, though, Ingred," she wheedled. "Remember, it's for the benefit of the form. If you let me make mistakes, well--it's the form that will suffer. You can't call it _my_fault, it's on your own head. You know as well as I do that I simply can't spell, and it takes me hours to hunt up words in the dictionary. I'm looking for 'phenomenon' now."
"You certainly won't find it in the F's," laughed Ingred. "What an infant in arms you are! Here, then, go ahead, and I'll act as dictionary. You've only written half a page yet. You'll be a week of
Sundays at this rate."
"And I haven't touched my Latin or French!" sighed Fil dismally. "I wish I could go to a school where there isn't any homework, and that somebody would invent a typewriter that would just spell the words ready-made when you press a button."
"There's a fortune waiting for the man who does!" agreed Ingred. "'The Royal-Road-to-Learning Typewriter: spells of itself.' It would sell by the million, I should think."
Indeed!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Ladies Who Lunch
Yesterday we said goodbye to a fellow assistant in our department. She's going on with the company, the two of us are being left behind. As a semi-celebration (I'm not sure of what) we all three went to lunch.
Being assistants we never leave for lunch. Our bosses will leave for hours on "business" lunches to all sorts of restaurants and bars. We make the reservations but we never go. Instead you'll usually find us slurping up iced tea and diet coke while nibbling on local deli fare. Going outside for lunch is a special thing - and rare.
So it was a surprise when the three of us piled out of the car and into an incredibly packed parking lot. It was even more a surprise to walk into the restaurant and find it near full with people. Mostly people is suits or "business casual" attire. All sitting down at a table with full plates of hot food...and no computers in site. I wasn't sure if I could eat a whole lunch without a keyboard in front of me. What would I do between bites? How would I occupy the time?
Then I remembered I wouldn't have to worry about that. Three women going out to lunch...don't worry...very little lunch would be had.
We started off right away with talking about diets. We oooh'd and ahhh'd over the appetizers, then promptly ordered waters all around and changed the topic to the conventional wisdom of not drinking liquid with meals.
With the bread was the discussion of Atkins and South Beach. When we ordered, which took forever, we all prefaced with "Mmm, a steak sounds good" and ended with "I'd like the rabbit food please. Dressing on the side." (Actually I had grilled chicken with asparagus.)
Then we talked about pills and diseases. I was certain it was because we were trying to ruin our appetite. Thyroid conditions, cancer, obesity, senility. One woman decided she must have thyroid cancer since her memory was slowly slipping away and her metabolism "wasn't working".
Then we ooh'd and ahh'd over desserts. We all thought cheesecake was the best thing. And just when our mouths started to water one of us brought up the story about the cheesecake filled with botulism or something.
Food's up!
I was given a little respite over the meal when the two older ladies discussed their children. As they gabbed about schools and clothes and soccer games I looked around at our suited co-diners. A lot of them had beers or hard drinks next to their steaks and burgers. Most of them had fries (I love fries). I wondered if their conversations revolved around the latest diet craze or who's best friend has a yeast infection. Did the regular restaurant lunchers sabotage their meals with talk of fat and death? Was the man with the bow-tie going to tuck into his porterhouse then commence a discussion of diabetes?
I finished my chicken just in time to get the grill over when I would have babies. We moved on to the hardships of work while our waiter tried to tempt us into dessert. He should have known it was a lost cause. I did.
We piled back into our car, indulging in peppermints and exclaiming how full we were and how we couldn't believe we ate so much food.
You always hear about those Matrons of Society who do nothing but lunch. Or about the Housewives of Rich Men who spend their mornings in the gym and their afternoons getting plastered on the decks of fancy restaurants.
I don't believe it. I don't believe that a group of women could get together and really enjoy a meal. I'm no exception. I could have gone to that restaurant at any other time and ordered potato skins loaded with cheese, a thick yummy steak and a big potato on the side. I'd have tipped back a nice cold drink and followed it with a big sundae. And I'd have loved every second of it. But surrounded by my female counter-parts I felt the need to fit the mold. Share my food-eating secrets, try theirs. I easily rattled off all the facts I know about this exercise and that, about these calorie counters and those. I know all about them. So do they. And we know that they know. And they know we know they know.
And we still have to compete. We compete over useless knowledge and who can eat the least and who can suffer the most. Who sacrifices the most? Who is on the path to being the skinniest?
Who is the lady who can lunch the least the most?
Being assistants we never leave for lunch. Our bosses will leave for hours on "business" lunches to all sorts of restaurants and bars. We make the reservations but we never go. Instead you'll usually find us slurping up iced tea and diet coke while nibbling on local deli fare. Going outside for lunch is a special thing - and rare.
So it was a surprise when the three of us piled out of the car and into an incredibly packed parking lot. It was even more a surprise to walk into the restaurant and find it near full with people. Mostly people is suits or "business casual" attire. All sitting down at a table with full plates of hot food...and no computers in site. I wasn't sure if I could eat a whole lunch without a keyboard in front of me. What would I do between bites? How would I occupy the time?
Then I remembered I wouldn't have to worry about that. Three women going out to lunch...don't worry...very little lunch would be had.
We started off right away with talking about diets. We oooh'd and ahhh'd over the appetizers, then promptly ordered waters all around and changed the topic to the conventional wisdom of not drinking liquid with meals.
With the bread was the discussion of Atkins and South Beach. When we ordered, which took forever, we all prefaced with "Mmm, a steak sounds good" and ended with "I'd like the rabbit food please. Dressing on the side." (Actually I had grilled chicken with asparagus.)
Then we talked about pills and diseases. I was certain it was because we were trying to ruin our appetite. Thyroid conditions, cancer, obesity, senility. One woman decided she must have thyroid cancer since her memory was slowly slipping away and her metabolism "wasn't working".
Then we ooh'd and ahh'd over desserts. We all thought cheesecake was the best thing. And just when our mouths started to water one of us brought up the story about the cheesecake filled with botulism or something.
Food's up!
I was given a little respite over the meal when the two older ladies discussed their children. As they gabbed about schools and clothes and soccer games I looked around at our suited co-diners. A lot of them had beers or hard drinks next to their steaks and burgers. Most of them had fries (I love fries). I wondered if their conversations revolved around the latest diet craze or who's best friend has a yeast infection. Did the regular restaurant lunchers sabotage their meals with talk of fat and death? Was the man with the bow-tie going to tuck into his porterhouse then commence a discussion of diabetes?
I finished my chicken just in time to get the grill over when I would have babies. We moved on to the hardships of work while our waiter tried to tempt us into dessert. He should have known it was a lost cause. I did.
We piled back into our car, indulging in peppermints and exclaiming how full we were and how we couldn't believe we ate so much food.
You always hear about those Matrons of Society who do nothing but lunch. Or about the Housewives of Rich Men who spend their mornings in the gym and their afternoons getting plastered on the decks of fancy restaurants.
I don't believe it. I don't believe that a group of women could get together and really enjoy a meal. I'm no exception. I could have gone to that restaurant at any other time and ordered potato skins loaded with cheese, a thick yummy steak and a big potato on the side. I'd have tipped back a nice cold drink and followed it with a big sundae. And I'd have loved every second of it. But surrounded by my female counter-parts I felt the need to fit the mold. Share my food-eating secrets, try theirs. I easily rattled off all the facts I know about this exercise and that, about these calorie counters and those. I know all about them. So do they. And we know that they know. And they know we know they know.
And we still have to compete. We compete over useless knowledge and who can eat the least and who can suffer the most. Who sacrifices the most? Who is on the path to being the skinniest?
Who is the lady who can lunch the least the most?
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Tattoo
I'm approaching my 24th Birthday. And as I do my common birthday wish is beginning to creep back into my head. The idea is always there, it floats to the surface every so often, but around my birthday, around that personal milestone, the idea gets stronger, more compelling.
I want a tattoo.
I've wanted one for years. I want something small, simple, elegant. I want something pretty, something feminine. Something elusive. I don't want a big shamrock on my arm or some dumb butterfly on my ankle. I want something soft and dainty along my back...right in that space between the two dimples my hips make.
"Why," my friend said as his hand circled around my waist playfully, "would such a beautiful girl like you want ruin that by mutilating herself?"
"You sound like my Mother." I replied, rolling my eyes. We dropped it and went on to other topics.
But what I should have replied is that I want a tattoo because I am beautiful. I wear lipstick so my lips standout. I wear rouge so my round cheeks are noticeable. I line my eyes in black so my brown eyes will pop out. I brush my hair so my natural curl and wave will bounce as I walk. I wear a bra to make my breasts round and full. My clothes follow the line of my body. My make-up accentuates the shape of my face. My jewelry sparkles and draws attention to my neck which has a nice curve, my fingers with are small and delicate
It's all a game. A game I play very well. My friend probably wouldn't have thought I was "such a beautiful girl" if I didn't do a little primping. Dirty and messy I can sometimes come off as pretty, but not really. Dressed and dolled up I can attract a few stares.
And when I do it right I can attract those stares to the right parts. I look at adornment as a roadsign. A little sparkle to catch ones eye the right direction. Something flashy to make them look left rather than left.
I have a navel piercing. I like my stomach. It's not a six-pack or anything like that. But it's nice. I creates a flow. My sparkly piercing catches the light a lot. It pulls attention away from the fact that my abs aren't rock hard and more towards the fact that my stomach has a nice soft curve, and flow that, if you happen to be lucky, could be followed all the way down to a pair of nice full hips and a sloping waist. The nice dark blue gem in the middle on my navel is a nice contrast to my pale white skin, and it looks pretty.
In fact, it may be one of the reasons why I am "such a beautiful girl".
And my tattoo could do the same thing. I'm getting to point now where I really like my butt. It's a good butt. It's not that round, but it has a little fullness, and it moves nicely to my legs...which are very nice. And I love that dimpled area. I like it on me, I like it on other girls. I like looking at naked girls from behind because of it. I like the fact that pants ride so low simply for the fact that I can see that little swoop from the back to the butt.
I want people to look at my swoop. I want to adorn it and accentuate it. It's a nice swoop, it deserves a little color.
So I'm narsicistic. But I don't apologize. I like me. And someone has too...
I want a tattoo.
I've wanted one for years. I want something small, simple, elegant. I want something pretty, something feminine. Something elusive. I don't want a big shamrock on my arm or some dumb butterfly on my ankle. I want something soft and dainty along my back...right in that space between the two dimples my hips make.
"Why," my friend said as his hand circled around my waist playfully, "would such a beautiful girl like you want ruin that by mutilating herself?"
"You sound like my Mother." I replied, rolling my eyes. We dropped it and went on to other topics.
But what I should have replied is that I want a tattoo because I am beautiful. I wear lipstick so my lips standout. I wear rouge so my round cheeks are noticeable. I line my eyes in black so my brown eyes will pop out. I brush my hair so my natural curl and wave will bounce as I walk. I wear a bra to make my breasts round and full. My clothes follow the line of my body. My make-up accentuates the shape of my face. My jewelry sparkles and draws attention to my neck which has a nice curve, my fingers with are small and delicate
It's all a game. A game I play very well. My friend probably wouldn't have thought I was "such a beautiful girl" if I didn't do a little primping. Dirty and messy I can sometimes come off as pretty, but not really. Dressed and dolled up I can attract a few stares.
And when I do it right I can attract those stares to the right parts. I look at adornment as a roadsign. A little sparkle to catch ones eye the right direction. Something flashy to make them look left rather than left.
I have a navel piercing. I like my stomach. It's not a six-pack or anything like that. But it's nice. I creates a flow. My sparkly piercing catches the light a lot. It pulls attention away from the fact that my abs aren't rock hard and more towards the fact that my stomach has a nice soft curve, and flow that, if you happen to be lucky, could be followed all the way down to a pair of nice full hips and a sloping waist. The nice dark blue gem in the middle on my navel is a nice contrast to my pale white skin, and it looks pretty.
In fact, it may be one of the reasons why I am "such a beautiful girl".
And my tattoo could do the same thing. I'm getting to point now where I really like my butt. It's a good butt. It's not that round, but it has a little fullness, and it moves nicely to my legs...which are very nice. And I love that dimpled area. I like it on me, I like it on other girls. I like looking at naked girls from behind because of it. I like the fact that pants ride so low simply for the fact that I can see that little swoop from the back to the butt.
I want people to look at my swoop. I want to adorn it and accentuate it. It's a nice swoop, it deserves a little color.
So I'm narsicistic. But I don't apologize. I like me. And someone has too...
Thursday, June 08, 2006
/signed
"It is not bigotry to define marriage as a union of a man and a woman," said Senator Sam Brownback, Republican of Kansas.
New York Times June 6, 2006
Okay it's no secret that I find the idea of defining marriage by gender is illogical. I just don't see why these two people can be in love and want to get married and that's okay with everyone, but these two other people over here can be in love and want to get married and suddenly a whole institution is being threatened.
Will my marriage be voided out and worthless because Mark married someone named Greg?
No.
But regardless where you come in on this issue this woman had a good point. If a Senator is going to attempt to define marriage perhaps he should know the standard definitions for other nouns as well. Like bigotry.
So I'm with Kathy. We should make sure our Senators know what they're talking about before they talk...or for that matter vote.
I've sent Senator Brownback the copy of Dictionary.com's definition for bigotry along with a copy of the article the quote is from (so he doesn't get more confused). And added a little of my own flare in the form of a large post-it note on the importance of vocabulary.
And I signed it Mrs. Katy ________.
Go here for more information about how to contact Senator Brownback. And remember to contact your own Senators and let them know what you think. Because I happen to know for a fact that Washington D.C. is far from any reality.
New York Times June 6, 2006
Okay it's no secret that I find the idea of defining marriage by gender is illogical. I just don't see why these two people can be in love and want to get married and that's okay with everyone, but these two other people over here can be in love and want to get married and suddenly a whole institution is being threatened.
Will my marriage be voided out and worthless because Mark married someone named Greg?
No.
But regardless where you come in on this issue this woman had a good point. If a Senator is going to attempt to define marriage perhaps he should know the standard definitions for other nouns as well. Like bigotry.
So I'm with Kathy. We should make sure our Senators know what they're talking about before they talk...or for that matter vote.
I've sent Senator Brownback the copy of Dictionary.com's definition for bigotry along with a copy of the article the quote is from (so he doesn't get more confused). And added a little of my own flare in the form of a large post-it note on the importance of vocabulary.
And I signed it Mrs. Katy ________.
Go here for more information about how to contact Senator Brownback. And remember to contact your own Senators and let them know what you think. Because I happen to know for a fact that Washington D.C. is far from any reality.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
American Dream
I grew up in America where, from an early age, I was told that if I was willing to work hard I could be whatever I wanted to be. "You can be anything you want when you grow up, even The President of the United States." That's what they told me. My parents told me that, my teachers told me that, girl scouts told me that. Heck, the Muppets told me that! All I had to do was work hard.
So I have. I started with the good grades, with the ambitious projects and the extracurriculars. I volunteered too, trusting that the people I helped then would be just as successful as I would be if they just got an extra hand up. A little extra help and hard work and we'd all roll right along. We could do anything, be anyone.
Then I moved on to working. Come in early, go home late. Get everything done on-time. Finish it all early. Anticipate problems, fix them before hand. Be reliable, dependable, responsible and organized. Work hard and don't complain. Be honest, Be trustworthy. Keep your nose to the grindstone and you'll be okay.
I didn't just think these things. I didn't just hear the catch phrases "Apply yourself" and "Work hard" and think "Hey, there's something to try." No. I believed it. I knew deep in my soul that the secret to life was working hard. I trusted in my grindstone the way people trust in God. Just apply more of yourself and you'll be okay. I was more than a good soldier - I was a devout soldier.
Which is why when I come to my office in the morning - turning on the lights as I do - I feel a crushing weight lying in my chest. When I turn on my computer and see all the things that have been left for me to do as my bosses frolic in Las Vegas or Paris or the beaches of Thailand, the weight grows heavier. As I toil on reports and presentations at lunch, the weight crushes my ribs. When I find myself suddenly alone in an office creating a new contract when moments before I was simply showing someone how to use a program...my back threatens to break.
But worst of all is knowing that no matter how hard I work. No matter what I do at my job now, no matter how great my resume is, how wonderful my references are - there will soon be no work. No work because after all the big salaries and the big airplane tickets and the price of food and gas there is no money for me.
And as I train five people to take over my one position - the weight crushes my faith. And that makes me mad.
Maybe it's because I was naive as a girl. Maybe I just needed to open my eyes more and realize that those people who were down on their luck didn't need a helping hand - they needed a regime change.
It makes me mad that I can work my ass off as hard as I want and still get laid-off...TWICE. I can have the best resume ever, and I can send it to everyone and their brother. But I will never be called.
Because hard work doesn't work. Applying yourself just means getting caught in the sticky mess other people make. Being honest means being expendable. Being helpful means being weak.
I'm 23. I'm smart, pretty, jaded, out-of-luck, in debt, educated, worn out, faithless and pissed off.
So I have. I started with the good grades, with the ambitious projects and the extracurriculars. I volunteered too, trusting that the people I helped then would be just as successful as I would be if they just got an extra hand up. A little extra help and hard work and we'd all roll right along. We could do anything, be anyone.
Then I moved on to working. Come in early, go home late. Get everything done on-time. Finish it all early. Anticipate problems, fix them before hand. Be reliable, dependable, responsible and organized. Work hard and don't complain. Be honest, Be trustworthy. Keep your nose to the grindstone and you'll be okay.
I didn't just think these things. I didn't just hear the catch phrases "Apply yourself" and "Work hard" and think "Hey, there's something to try." No. I believed it. I knew deep in my soul that the secret to life was working hard. I trusted in my grindstone the way people trust in God. Just apply more of yourself and you'll be okay. I was more than a good soldier - I was a devout soldier.
Which is why when I come to my office in the morning - turning on the lights as I do - I feel a crushing weight lying in my chest. When I turn on my computer and see all the things that have been left for me to do as my bosses frolic in Las Vegas or Paris or the beaches of Thailand, the weight grows heavier. As I toil on reports and presentations at lunch, the weight crushes my ribs. When I find myself suddenly alone in an office creating a new contract when moments before I was simply showing someone how to use a program...my back threatens to break.
But worst of all is knowing that no matter how hard I work. No matter what I do at my job now, no matter how great my resume is, how wonderful my references are - there will soon be no work. No work because after all the big salaries and the big airplane tickets and the price of food and gas there is no money for me.
And as I train five people to take over my one position - the weight crushes my faith. And that makes me mad.
Maybe it's because I was naive as a girl. Maybe I just needed to open my eyes more and realize that those people who were down on their luck didn't need a helping hand - they needed a regime change.
It makes me mad that I can work my ass off as hard as I want and still get laid-off...TWICE. I can have the best resume ever, and I can send it to everyone and their brother. But I will never be called.
Because hard work doesn't work. Applying yourself just means getting caught in the sticky mess other people make. Being honest means being expendable. Being helpful means being weak.
I'm 23. I'm smart, pretty, jaded, out-of-luck, in debt, educated, worn out, faithless and pissed off.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Just a thought
It seems to me that you can watch the news every single day and every single day there will be a new story about the "Obesity Epidemic" in America. And invariably with every story there will be a little montage of people walking on the sidewalk who are overweight. Actually it's usually a montage of people's asses, and stomach, and legs, and usually one rotund woman stuffing her mouth with fries. Or some large man eating a burger in one gulp.
Ever wonder what it's like to be the guy shooting this stuff?
"Hey Mick! Go outside and film fat people."
"Again?!?!"
"Yeah, and make sure you get lots of butts. And a couple of people in shorts and tank-tops. The story is about cellulite - so remember - cankles sell!"
I'm sure when Mick was training to become a camera-man for a major news station his goal was to film endless b-roll of cankles. Miles and miles of cankles. Do they shell this stuff out to the interns? To the probby? Is it a hazing thing among the crew. You shoot good rolls of, well, rolls and you get move up to second position or something? And who edits this stuff? Whose job is it to sit in a dark room and pick just which cankle is scary enough to get the "Epidemic" message across, but not so scary that people turn off the t.v. during dinner?
Just wondering...
Ever wonder what it's like to be the guy shooting this stuff?
"Hey Mick! Go outside and film fat people."
"Again?!?!"
"Yeah, and make sure you get lots of butts. And a couple of people in shorts and tank-tops. The story is about cellulite - so remember - cankles sell!"
I'm sure when Mick was training to become a camera-man for a major news station his goal was to film endless b-roll of cankles. Miles and miles of cankles. Do they shell this stuff out to the interns? To the probby? Is it a hazing thing among the crew. You shoot good rolls of, well, rolls and you get move up to second position or something? And who edits this stuff? Whose job is it to sit in a dark room and pick just which cankle is scary enough to get the "Epidemic" message across, but not so scary that people turn off the t.v. during dinner?
Just wondering...
Friday, June 02, 2006
Look at all the people
I have statcounter on this blog, so occasionally I can check to see if anyone comes here for longer than a minute.
Don't worry...no one does.
However on May 27th I saw this weird huge spike in new comers. Spike being 108 people rather than the two returning.
Where did these people come from? Did 108 people collectively realize that kitties are awesome? Did some horrible world event happen to them to make 108 people depressed and incapable of wallowing in the pit of despair that this blog lives in?
No. Something even more incredible. A rather accomplished blogger linked to me. Under a listing of D/s blogs. Which fills me with guilt that 108 people clicked on the link and were collectively...disappointed.
So to them - I'm sorry.
And to the accomplished blogger, thank you. No really, thank you. I'm too chicken to post on your blog, but I've always liked it. And always will.
And to the rest of you suckers who wound up here first...go to A Creative Spanko Wench instead. Because it's more fun.
Anyway, that's where all the people came from. And probably where they went back to.
Don't worry...no one does.
However on May 27th I saw this weird huge spike in new comers. Spike being 108 people rather than the two returning.
Where did these people come from? Did 108 people collectively realize that kitties are awesome? Did some horrible world event happen to them to make 108 people depressed and incapable of wallowing in the pit of despair that this blog lives in?
No. Something even more incredible. A rather accomplished blogger linked to me. Under a listing of D/s blogs. Which fills me with guilt that 108 people clicked on the link and were collectively...disappointed.
So to them - I'm sorry.
And to the accomplished blogger, thank you. No really, thank you. I'm too chicken to post on your blog, but I've always liked it. And always will.
And to the rest of you suckers who wound up here first...go to A Creative Spanko Wench instead. Because it's more fun.
Anyway, that's where all the people came from. And probably where they went back to.
Shoe Santa
When one is in a class full of women who are wearing hard, plastic six-inch heels and rolling around on the floor, or climbing up poles, one is soon aware that eventually one is going to get a shoe to the face.
Especially is one is names Katy and has a history of getting kicked in the face.
One, well Katy-One, does not expect the shoe hitting her face to be her own.
But it was. A few weeks ago I was doing a particularly tricky tumble that ended up with me balanced on my right shoulder, arms out, head tucked and leg spread-eagle directly above me. It's a fun tumble and I highly recommend it for anyone who doesn't have a broken back...yet.
But just as my legs were swinging up and out I hear a great big SNAP. No, it wasn't my back. It was my shoe:
Which after going SNAP decided to fly off my foot and head directly for my face.
The worst part was not the shoe-shape bruise I sported for two days. The worst part was have to use my pole boots:
for chair dancing class. Why is this the worst part? You wear knee high pvc boots in a small windowless room with no a/c or fan and twenty other women...then do five hundred squats.
So I've been upset. I like my pole boots:
for pole class, but I want my stripper shoes:
for floor and chair class.
What's a girl to do?
Buy more shoes of course. And I did. And they came in the mail today. It's like Christmas in July in June!
I just wonder if I can wear these:
to work?
Especially is one is names Katy and has a history of getting kicked in the face.
One, well Katy-One, does not expect the shoe hitting her face to be her own.
But it was. A few weeks ago I was doing a particularly tricky tumble that ended up with me balanced on my right shoulder, arms out, head tucked and leg spread-eagle directly above me. It's a fun tumble and I highly recommend it for anyone who doesn't have a broken back...yet.
But just as my legs were swinging up and out I hear a great big SNAP. No, it wasn't my back. It was my shoe:
Which after going SNAP decided to fly off my foot and head directly for my face.
The worst part was not the shoe-shape bruise I sported for two days. The worst part was have to use my pole boots:
for chair dancing class. Why is this the worst part? You wear knee high pvc boots in a small windowless room with no a/c or fan and twenty other women...then do five hundred squats.
So I've been upset. I like my pole boots:
for pole class, but I want my stripper shoes:
for floor and chair class.
What's a girl to do?
Buy more shoes of course. And I did. And they came in the mail today. It's like Christmas in July in June!
I just wonder if I can wear these:
to work?
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