The Ladies Who Lunch

Yesterday we said goodbye to a fellow assistant in our department. She's going on with the company, the two of us are being left behind. As a semi-celebration (I'm not sure of what) we all three went to lunch.

Being assistants we never leave for lunch. Our bosses will leave for hours on "business" lunches to all sorts of restaurants and bars. We make the reservations but we never go. Instead you'll usually find us slurping up iced tea and diet coke while nibbling on local deli fare. Going outside for lunch is a special thing - and rare.

So it was a surprise when the three of us piled out of the car and into an incredibly packed parking lot. It was even more a surprise to walk into the restaurant and find it near full with people. Mostly people is suits or "business casual" attire. All sitting down at a table with full plates of hot food...and no computers in site. I wasn't sure if I could eat a whole lunch without a keyboard in front of me. What would I do between bites? How would I occupy the time?

Then I remembered I wouldn't have to worry about that. Three women going out to lunch...don't worry...very little lunch would be had.

We started off right away with talking about diets. We oooh'd and ahhh'd over the appetizers, then promptly ordered waters all around and changed the topic to the conventional wisdom of not drinking liquid with meals.

With the bread was the discussion of Atkins and South Beach. When we ordered, which took forever, we all prefaced with "Mmm, a steak sounds good" and ended with "I'd like the rabbit food please. Dressing on the side." (Actually I had grilled chicken with asparagus.)

Then we talked about pills and diseases. I was certain it was because we were trying to ruin our appetite. Thyroid conditions, cancer, obesity, senility. One woman decided she must have thyroid cancer since her memory was slowly slipping away and her metabolism "wasn't working".

Then we ooh'd and ahh'd over desserts. We all thought cheesecake was the best thing. And just when our mouths started to water one of us brought up the story about the cheesecake filled with botulism or something.

Food's up!

I was given a little respite over the meal when the two older ladies discussed their children. As they gabbed about schools and clothes and soccer games I looked around at our suited co-diners. A lot of them had beers or hard drinks next to their steaks and burgers. Most of them had fries (I love fries). I wondered if their conversations revolved around the latest diet craze or who's best friend has a yeast infection. Did the regular restaurant lunchers sabotage their meals with talk of fat and death? Was the man with the bow-tie going to tuck into his porterhouse then commence a discussion of diabetes?

I finished my chicken just in time to get the grill over when I would have babies. We moved on to the hardships of work while our waiter tried to tempt us into dessert. He should have known it was a lost cause. I did.

We piled back into our car, indulging in peppermints and exclaiming how full we were and how we couldn't believe we ate so much food.

You always hear about those Matrons of Society who do nothing but lunch. Or about the Housewives of Rich Men who spend their mornings in the gym and their afternoons getting plastered on the decks of fancy restaurants.

I don't believe it. I don't believe that a group of women could get together and really enjoy a meal. I'm no exception. I could have gone to that restaurant at any other time and ordered potato skins loaded with cheese, a thick yummy steak and a big potato on the side. I'd have tipped back a nice cold drink and followed it with a big sundae. And I'd have loved every second of it. But surrounded by my female counter-parts I felt the need to fit the mold. Share my food-eating secrets, try theirs. I easily rattled off all the facts I know about this exercise and that, about these calorie counters and those. I know all about them. So do they. And we know that they know. And they know we know they know.

And we still have to compete. We compete over useless knowledge and who can eat the least and who can suffer the most. Who sacrifices the most? Who is on the path to being the skinniest?

Who is the lady who can lunch the least the most?