Mr. Body

As I'm sure you've noticed I posted a picture of the remarkably human-shaped body that arrived on our front porch via UPS just a few weeks ago.

Okay...a whole freaking month ago.

And then I dissapeared. Where could I have gone? Could it really have been a human cadaver, sent to my home as a warning from my old gang sisters that I better start representing or face my fate?

Perhaps it was my handsome, yet insane lover from Italy who after years of trying to go on without me finally sucumbed to despair and sent me his self-mutilated body as a testament to his strong, yet now dead, love.

Hasn't he ever heard of black roses! Sheesh.

Or possibly the package was really a wrestling dummy bought by my roommate in order to practice his half-nelsons and full-nelsons and nelson-mandelas and etc.

Really, the body packaged in black cloth that showed up on my front porch was my mail-ordered virgin sacrifice for the feast of the mother of the divine purple cow. She is a demanding goddess who will settle for nothing less than aged, yet untainted meat.

Sadly the real story behind the mystery body may never be known - to people who skim through blog posts at least - and I'm sure conjectures about why it showed up on my porch a month ago and why it caused my lengthy abscence from my beloved blog will continue to haunt the internet for ages to come.

It'll be bigger than Snakes on a Plane. I swear.